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09/18/25   
Made almost entirely of buffalo

Second Verse, Same as the First

bio/email
January 26, 2004
I don't have a lot of time, as I recently found out I am dying. I don't know when, how long I've got left, or the circumstances under which I go, but as you can understand, it's still quite a shock. Let's jump on this pony and ride to victory.

I've recently heard the greatest invention of all time is the wheel. Did I ever get a thanks? No. It just goes to show you, never talk loudly about your ideas in bars.

The other day, for the first time, I had popcorn shrimp. Have you seen this stuff? It's not popcorn. And it's not shrimp. Only, it is shrimp, I suppose. But it's not popcorn. That's all I'm saying.

Hollywood has promised us another Daddy Day Care. Save your lies, charlatans. I'm still waiting for the Buckaroo Banzai sequel I never got.

You know what I hate? Rastafarians.

Whatever happened to Regis Philbin? You hear nothing about him anymore. It's like they erased all memory of him from existence, like someone went back in time and farted on a rare flower or something, and poof! But I remember. And I'll never forget.

Everyone knows the Second Law of Thermodynamics. But they all snicker when I ask them to explain it to me. I don't think that's right.

If you watch The Bachelor does that make you gay? A friend wants to know.

It's when I first wake up in the morning and I feel the cold sweat on my face, the shudder in my chest, and I feel like I can't move my neck and can only stare at the ceiling—like I'm waiting, merely waiting for the end. It's those moments I feel closest to knowing insanity. But then, I have a cup of instant coffee, and everything gets better.

I just read some of this bathroom wall art—does anyone edit that stuff? The spelling is terrible. Nice gig, if you can get it.

Judge Judy has gotten way too sassy for her britches. It's high time someone in the administration step in. There's got to be some kind of constitutional clause to cover this kind of thing.

On The Jeffersons, everybody loved Bentley most. Everybody. You think the network would have played that up, but no. Pure gold, slipped right through their fingers.

I have heard before if you put peanut butter on your private parts, your dog will lick it off. Well, I can't speak for all breeds, but pit bulls didn't make for the kind of experience I envisioned.

Isn't it like 1939 all over again these days? Sure, it's different, but you know what I mean.

I lost a matchbook to a hip club back in 1965, and sometimes, when I lie in bed at night, I wonder whatever happened to that matchbook. I hope it's doing someone some good, and some day I can sneak behind their house and set their bushes on fire. Just as a distraction. To get it back.

I love British television, and I hope to buy one some day. But I hear they don't work with our power outlets. Which is just plain wrong.

I believe we're done here. I'll see you again.


Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


Try again later.
John Kerry's Vision for America
1.Americans shouldn't be despised everywhere abroad; only France
2.Health care for each and every American with insurance
3.A chicken in every pot, and pot for everyone without a chicken
4.Make Affleck and J-Lo realize they're still in love
5.Sterilize all Bush males
Archives
First Served
Greetings, future faithful readers. Let's not waste time on lengthy introductions and sappy sob stories. I say we jump right in to what's bothering me. I say it's high time someone regulated network TV. You can no longer tell if shows are... (11/10/03)

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