First Served

Greetings, future faithful readers. Let's not waste time on lengthy introductions and sappy sob stories. I say we jump right in to what's bothering me.

I say it's high time someone regulated network TV. You can no longer tell if shows are supposed to be funny or serious. Let's do something about that.

Don Knotts is dead. Just accept it, people.

Does the president even know the meaning of the word "kinetic"? I'm not so sure he does, and I'm not the first person to say so.

What do they call people born in Lima? You're either a Liman or a Limese, there's no two ways around it. It's about time someone clarified this. I will not refer to them as people of the country of Lima.

I'm still waiting for my first love to die. Not in the metaphorical sense. I long for the day she no longer walks the earth. Sad, but true.

I'm all for cutting the military budget if it leads to reduced surplus sales of atomic weapons and other goodies.

No one, in any country, should be forced to pay $10 for a hamburger. It's just cruel.

Say what you will, I'm still holding out for the return of the cassette tape. People once said Cher's time was long over, too. You know how that turned out.

If you were in India, circa 1948, what would you do?

The hardest thing for a man to admit is he is always flaccid. I'm not yet there.

People are still running with scissors. Did we learn nothing from Afterschool specials?

Some people out there will say and do anything just to make someone else feel bad. This makes all of us better Americans in the long run, I'm convinced.

It's a tragedy there is no national holiday for Amerigo Vespucci. No sane man can argue otherwise.

Few comedians out there currently are taking full advantage of drug humor. It's just plain funny.

I have never, in my life, seen anyone finish a full bag of microwave popcorn. You can tell me otherwise, but I think you're full of hot air.

Have you ever read The Bible? God, is that thing preachy. I get it already, just get to the story.

A few years ago, every channel was showing Third Rock From the Sun. Now, not so much. What does that say about our country?

If you belch, you say, "Excuse me." If you fart, you say, "Look out!" It's just good manners.

I'm starting to think this whole "clipping your fingernails" thing is just a way to line some fat cat's pockets.

No one ever asks, "Where were you when that old Flying Walenda died?" But I remember. Boy, do I ever.

Under this tough exterior is a scared and small little man, who brays and rants so loudly to cover up for the fact he feels lost in the crowd. But you'll never find me admitting to it.

Nachos… with cheese. God bless whoever made these things.

If a hat with two cans of beer on the sides is good, a hat with two tall cans of beer must be better. It's simple mathematics, people.

Okay, you've had your fill. Meet me here later and we'll do this again.