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01/9/25   
Two bit, low down, rotten, dirty happiness

Wave Hello to Heat

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September 1, 2003
Hello persons. Is so hot.

Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot.

In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in America because dirty pond will make Boris into monster. So sad.

Is so hot Boris stick to couch like person with Velcro ass. So embarrassing when Louis run in to see why all the screaming and is just Boris tries to get off couch to go in bathroom.

Boris say for Louis please to get the goddamn airconditioner so is not apartment of hot death, but Louis doesn't not care. Robots has no thing to tell them is hot and them is going to die. No little voice thing like Boris have which say "Boris, is so hot you are not happy, time to make underwear of ice cube trays." But even Louis take away these happy cold pants because Boris is assing up all ice cubes and dripping wet on couch.

Only person more hot than Boris is Similar to Skippy dog, who is not robot and also is hot from wearing fur hat all the times. Louis try to take away hat but Similar to Skippy will never take it off no times. Dog does love this hat, strange thing. Louis say he is to make goddamn fur hat out of stupid dog, and Boris think he is meaning Similar to Skippy. Funny to think of hat made of dog wearing fur hat, like Jack-in-My-Box who is holding little tiny Jack-in-My-Box. Is crazy puzzle thing like questions for thinking.

Boris like these question things, like "What is sound of tree in woods?" Boris does not know! Is so funny. Boris does listen to trees but they are not making loud sound like motorcycle or talking. Crazy thing to think of.

Other question is like "Who is clapping Boris hand?" This is other thing Boris does not know. When Boris is happy at thing and clapping, there is hand hitting Boris hand, but where is this hand come from? Oh, look quick! Is Boris hand! But what hand is this Boris hand does hit? Watch, is also Boris hand! But now which is first hand? Is so impossible to watch both hands all the time, cannot say where other hand coming from. Crazy thing to keep Boris up at night.

Boris say no way to sleeping when is so hot. Little Boris room with hanging up coats get so sweaty and smell like malted balls all the time, no good. Boris think to put swimming pool in room, but Louis say is no space for such thing because Louis shoes all go in water with Boris. Is not so bad, says Boris. And shoes are clean! But Louis does not think shoes are clean and Boris must say goodbye to Spongebob bedroom pool thing. So sad, goodbye Spongebob.

But no crying for Boris, for is answer to sleeping problem at mall. Boris find out there is little Boris rooms in that place where some persons does try on clothes, and is perfect place for sleeping when is hot. Boris is like wild animal who does find good things wandering around place, so smart. Hooray for smart!


Milestones
2001: Bogus office psychic Mazie the chicken predicts radical arab terrorists will attack giant silver towers and a military stronghold on Sept. 10th. An angry Red Bagel eventually takes away her predictions column.
Now Hiring
Nanny. Traditional English dress and accent required, none of that rough Brooklyn flower bullshit. Strong musical training and good voice a must. Should be able to rhyme easily, even if only creating nonsensical words in most of songs. We provide spoonfuls of sugar and medicine, as well as company umbrella. Three references needed.
Top Iraqi Gratitude Slogans
1.I love America and dying!
2.USA! Broil in hell, USA!
3.All the beautiful shooting!
4.God Bless This Rubble
5.Sweet, legless liberation!
Archives
Boris is Ready for Some Football
Hello, reading persons. Yes yes, is Boris. How are you? Oh well, that is not so good. Boris hopes you are soon to find some happiness under miserable rock of life. Is there secret to such thing? Boris does not know. But Boris does know thing that... (8/18/03)

Hooray for Metallica
Hello, fan of Boris. Is welcome to column. Now you are wondering, I know, when is Boris to do something large? So tired of just reading that Boris live in America and watch for naked persons with binogulars. But no more time to be tired, reading... (8/4/03)

Boris is Pointing
Thanks to thing which is dollar store, Boris is now having pointer. Is thing for rich persons. Yes, like Boris. In homeland, Boris is always pointing at thing with finger, which is for poor persons to do. Other persons do laugh at this stupid... (7/21/03)

Summertimes
Boris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and... (7/7/03)

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