Volume 46

July 7, 2003

Dear commune:

If "God Donâ€™t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck.

Sincerely,

Norman Turner
Falling River, VT

Dear Norman:

The paradox youâ€™ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage youâ€™re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peterâ€™s house. Scholars think Peterâ€™s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesusâ€™ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for curds, whey, or any other ethnic divisions which may be present in your cottage cheese. As the saying goes, you bought your cheese, now eat it with apple slices.

Milestones

1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, andâ€”what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!

Now Hiring

Hall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.

How Did Rat Poison Get in Food for Dogs & Cats?

1.	Particularly sly British mouse known only as Nigel
2.	Adult illiteracy: Secret shame of the pet food industry
3.	Turned back for one minute; Islamic fundamentalists cats & dogs go shithouse on production line
4.	Mislabeled bags were manufactured for special Ted Nugent brand of pet food
5.	One man determined to get the fucking dog to play dead already

Volume 45
Dear commune: Whatâ€™s the deal with my boyfriend? Weâ€™ve been together for three months now and he still hasnâ€™t popped the question. Iâ€™ve been dropping hints left and right, but he just doesnâ€™t seem to get it. I tore a page out of a wedding... (6/23/03)

Volume 44
Dear commune: Arenâ€™t you just tired of all this bullshit? Reggie Shaw Dove Plains, GA Dear Reggie: We know exactly what youâ€™re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their... (6/1/03)

Volume 43
Dear commune: As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt donâ€™t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I donâ€™t know them. They probably werenâ€™t spoken to me. What Iâ€™m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine,... (5/26/03)