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04/14/26   
Like a big, gay hat of wisdom

Volume 46

bio/email
July 7, 2003
Dear commune:

If "God Don’t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck.

Sincerely,

Norman Turner
Falling River, VT



Dear Norman:

The paradox you’ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage you’re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peter’s house. Scholars think Peter’s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesus’ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went.

the commune

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for curds, whey, or any other ethnic divisions which may be present in your cottage cheese. As the saying goes, you bought your cheese, now eat it with apple slices.


Quote of the Day
“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”

-Dan Quayle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow—we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heart—baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.


Try again later.
Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting
1.How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction?
2.Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot?
3.What did Whittington know, and when?
4.When exactly did Brangelina hear about it?
5.So, where do you wanna eat?
Archives
Volume 45
Dear commune: What’s the deal with my boyfriend? We’ve been together for three months now and he still hasn’t popped the question. I’ve been dropping hints left and right, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. I tore a page out of a wedding... (6/23/03)

Volume 44
Dear commune: Aren’t you just tired of all this bullshit? Reggie Shaw Dove Plains, GA Dear Reggie: We know exactly what you’re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their... (6/1/03)

Volume 43
Dear commune: As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I don’t know them. They probably weren’t spoken to me. What I’m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine,... (5/26/03)

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