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12/9/25   
All we are is ducks in the wind

Volume 46

bio/email
July 7, 2003
Dear commune:

If "God Don’t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck.

Sincerely,

Norman Turner
Falling River, VT



Dear Norman:

The paradox you’ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage you’re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peter’s house. Scholars think Peter’s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesus’ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went.

the commune

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for curds, whey, or any other ethnic divisions which may be present in your cottage cheese. As the saying goes, you bought your cheese, now eat it with apple slices.


Quote of the Day
“Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you're near? Bitch, you stink like birdseed.”

-DJ Qwik Bitz
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is really going to be your week: You will be held personally responsible for everything that happens on the world stage this week. Try bathing with Comet instead of soap for a change, trust us, it's just as good. Your lucky haircuts: Duck's Ass, Ant Hill, Elephant's Crotch, Bill the Cat, Baker's Dozen, Louisville Doosey, Bung Wipe.


Try again later.
Top Phil Spector Trial Revelations
1.Spector threatens to shoot all his visitors in the mouth if they leave—get the fuck over it already
2.Middle-aged Spector traded "Wall of Sound" for "Wall of Hair"
3.Yes, everyone in L.A. really is as crazy as you've heard
4.Spector goes through pizza delivery guys like you wouldn't believe
5.No you're thinking of "Help Me Rhonda," "Da Doo Ron Ron" goes "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron"
Archives
Volume 45
Dear commune: What’s the deal with my boyfriend? We’ve been together for three months now and he still hasn’t popped the question. I’ve been dropping hints left and right, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. I tore a page out of a wedding... (6/23/03)

Volume 44
Dear commune: Aren’t you just tired of all this bullshit? Reggie Shaw Dove Plains, GA Dear Reggie: We know exactly what you’re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their... (6/1/03)

Volume 43
Dear commune: As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I don’t know them. They probably weren’t spoken to me. What I’m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine,... (5/26/03)

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