03/26/26
Cat-proof since 2004
|  Volume 46  July 7, 2003 Dear commune:If "God Don’t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck. Sincerely, Norman Turner Falling River, VT Dear Norman: The paradox you’ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage you’re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peter’s house. Scholars think Peter’s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesus’ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went. the commune Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for curds, whey, or any other ethnic divisions which may be present in your cottage cheese. As the saying goes, you bought your cheese, now eat it with apple slices. Milestones2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.Now HiringSexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.Top 5 Worst Ways to Start a Letter
 Volume 45 Dear commune: What’s the deal with my boyfriend? We’ve been together for three months now and he still hasn’t popped the question. I’ve been dropping hints left and right, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. I tore a page out of a wedding... (6/23/03) Volume 44 Dear commune: Aren’t you just tired of all this bullshit? Reggie Shaw Dove Plains, GA Dear Reggie: We know exactly what you’re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their... (6/1/03) Volume 43 Dear commune: As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I don’t know them. They probably weren’t spoken to me. What I’m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine,... (5/26/03)            |
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