Volume 46

July 7, 2003

Dear commune:

If "God Donâ€™t Make No Junk," then how do you explain the Oak Ridge Boys? They suck.

Sincerely,

Norman Turner
Falling River, VT

Dear Norman:

The paradox youâ€™ve hit upon is one of many caused by a shoddy translation of the Bible from its original Aramaic. The passage youâ€™re quoting is thought by most modern scholars to be more correctly translated as: "Good God, how much did ye pay for this shithole?" which is what the lord said the first time he saw Peterâ€™s house. Scholars think Peterâ€™s place must really have been a dump, as it was vile enough to offend a savior who had been born in a barn. Speaking of which, "Werest thou born in a barn?" is another popular Bible quote, which referred to Jesusâ€™ annoying habit of leaving the door open wherever he went.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for curds, whey, or any other ethnic divisions which may be present in your cottage cheese. As the saying goes, you bought your cheese, now eat it with apple slices.

Milestones

1987: A practical joke backfires, resulting in Roland McShyster being put in charge of Orion Pictures.

Now Hiring

Neighbor. Must be unpredictably silly and capable of conjuring up outlandish schemes week after week. Applicant will be judged based on appeal to uncreative mass audiences and spin-off potential. Non-white, homosexual a plus.

5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped

1.	My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.	You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.	Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.	If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.	Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)

Volume 45
Dear commune: Whatâ€™s the deal with my boyfriend? Weâ€™ve been together for three months now and he still hasnâ€™t popped the question. Iâ€™ve been dropping hints left and right, but he just doesnâ€™t seem to get it. I tore a page out of a wedding... (6/23/03)

Volume 44
Dear commune: Arenâ€™t you just tired of all this bullshit? Reggie Shaw Dove Plains, GA Dear Reggie: We know exactly what youâ€™re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their... (6/1/03)

Volume 43
Dear commune: As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt donâ€™t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I donâ€™t know them. They probably werenâ€™t spoken to me. What Iâ€™m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine,... (5/26/03)