The Good Books

Did you know not all books are bad?

Yep, in case you thought that was a misprint, I confirm. Clarissa Coleman has found books that aren't half bad. Comic books!

Now, I know what you're thinking, but comic books aren't for kids anymore. They're way too expensive. The only kids who could afford comic books now are complete rich kid pricks. Like that kid from The Toy, if he hadn't spent all his money buying Richard Pryor. Or Richie Rich. But he was a comic book, so figure that out. Like a mystery in a riddle wrapped inside a taco or something.

Modern comic books are filled with real issues and topics, like swearing, and getting laid. They take away all the annoying things about "literate" books like politics and descriptions. And you know that really annoying thing book writers do where they spell the words like they sound when people say them? None of that shit, thank God. Comic books only take half the time to read, too, because they don't bore you by telling you what you would see if you walked in on the whole thing. There's a picture right there, like we're looking in through a window. Can you imagine what it would be like if some writer tried to write Superman as a book?

"Superman worried terribly about how big his butt looked in his red underwear. It was a goofy costume, but it always served him well. His bulging muscular top body was covered in a thin sheen of blue alien spandex, the last thing left over from the planet wherever he came from. His thick and meaty thighs were also draped in the velvet-like blue tights. Over his back was draped a bright red cape with a curved yellow 'S' on the back. Superman lifted his fist skyward and leapt into the air with a loud cry of, 'Up, up, and away!'"

Actually, that's not half bad. I could stand writing that a bit longer, maybe later tonight, before a cold shower.

But it just gets to my second point, that comic books have more interesting characters. None of this boring shit about a building contractor cheating on his wife with an aspiring interior decorator. Huh? Those sound like people you could meet at a gay uptown restaurant or something. All I can say is I've been to the restaurant and if I had my choice I'd rather see Superman's planet. Everybody dresses the same in both places, but there's probably cooler shit going on with the alien planet. They talk like Shakespeare there and don't scowl at you for wearing white past Labor Day or eating your salad with a knife.

All the movies coming out lately are made from comic books, too. Spider-Man, The Hulk, even Men in Black was a comic book, believe it or not. I wonder how they did the rapping in that. It just proves comic books are like books for normal people. When was the last time someone made a movie out of a book? Had to be the 19th century or something at least. Before there was TV and people had to go see a movie or read a book if they didn't want to die of boredom. They didn't have refrigerators back then. They just buried everything in the ground.

Obviously now that I'm being paid to model for that Metallichick comic book I'm a little biased on the whole thing. Still, I'm not the kind of person who can be bought for free lunches or anything, I call it like I see it. You won't see me dressed up in leather on the cover of some lame bestseller or anything. And both me and the world of books are probably both happy with it that way.

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