Sci-Fi Star is Rising

You wouldn't believe how nuts this summer has been so far. I spend the entire year basically on vacation, mostly workless besides this periodic column and the part in the UPN show that went nowhere, now the entire summer it's like I'm Gwyneth Paltrow or something. I did some convention appearances and early press work for that Metallichick comic book, I just finished all the shooting on Vic-O's movie, and now his buddies are trying to get me to appear in their films.

I never would have believed there was so much work in the underground sci-fi film world. Vic-O's buddies have even formed a club, a place where they get together and do script-work and help each other make their films. There's got to be five or six of these guys in the California chapter, and Vic-O says they meet guys all the time on the Net who have similar groups elsewhere in the states. There's so much you don't know if you avoid Internet chat rooms like the plague.

It turns out Vic-O's movie was really smart, I'd never done a movie like it before. It had something to do with Clemenstra Raygun's trying to unseat the evil leaders of parliament (which is like a British school board or something) and she had her heroic group of rebels plot terrorist attacks on them all the time. I know, I thought terrorists were always bad, but not in this movie, that's how crazy sci-fi is. I even had one line comparing the American revolutionaries to terrorists, which probably ought to get me some hate mail from some very self-righteous geeks.

I had some action scenes, which is rare for me, and didn't even have to go topless or kiss another girl, which is a big change from the usual kind of sci-fi script I get at conventions. I kicked a lot of butt but mostly I delivered big speeches from the captain's chair. But here's a hint: If you ever want to piss of a sci-fi nerd director, keep mispronouncing big words like "dystopia" and "hegemony."

Yeah, I stumbled onto a real gang of weirdoes, I'll give you that much, but they are always making movies with their dad's equipment and recognize how famous I am, as well as talented. But mostly famous. They're already asking me to appear in some of the other directors' films, some of them even talking about writing roles specifically for me. Which I assume is where the girl-kissing will come in again.

What do I care? It's good to work again. In addition to getting free lodging at Gene's grandma's house, three free meals for every day I shoot, and a weekly stipend (which is usually a bag of Krackle bars), I own a portion of all these movies. If they make a dime, I make a dime. Actually, working out the percentages I basically get one-fifth a penny for every dollar they make, but I understand that's still good money, Jack Nicholson Batman money if you work it out in terms of millions.

Even better, I get out of the house. The less I have to deal with my family living with me the better. I might even try to find local work in L.A. while I'm out here, just to avoid going back for a while. The last e-mail from Mom said Dad, Freddie Mercury, and Icepick were all working out the fine details of a plan to hunt down Osama bin Laden and get the reward. I'd hate to be at home and get suckered into that mess. Camouflage face paint is hell on my complexion anyway.

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