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07/1/25   
Red Bagel schlepped here

Volume 44

bio/email
June 1, 2003
Dear commune:

Aren’t you just tired of all this bullshit?

Reggie Shaw
Dove Plains, GA



Dear Reggie:

We know exactly what you’re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their goddamned place. First they have the gall to involve the police in our staff’s hallowed Annual Pogo Stick Race semifinals. We here at the commune may be a passionate bunch, given to boisterous arguments and cataclysmic displays of machismo, but we’ve never been unable to resolve our own pogo race photo finish disputes among ourselves. Sure, small-arms fire is sometimes involved, but cooler heads and Russian Roulette always prevail.

And speaking of meddling, who are they to say who can and who can’t keep livestock in the building’s common areas? They automatically assume it’s the commune’s goats that have been shitting in the elevator. As if their staff is above suspicion. The pricks.

Anyway, thanks for understanding. Sometimes the commune just needs to vent.

the commune



Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for those embarrassing Capri pants all the girls are wearing these days. We’re guessing a sauna mishap was responsible for those ridiculous things. But we do look forward to making snide remarks when we’re looking at photo albums ten years from now, just for the record.


Quote of the Day
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, even more shame on you! Big fooler. Fool me three times… man, that brings back memories. Reminds me of when you made me drink that urine one time.”

-Vick-O Martini
Fortune 500 Cookie
That heart attack medicine may be making your penis smaller, so just for safety's sake, stop taking it altogether. Learn to play the guitar this week; it's just another good reason to carry out that plan to kidnap Dweezil Zappa. Remember, passing gas in an elevator is not only rude, it also slows down your arrival time by up to 2 seconds.


Try again later.
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1.Saved By the Bell: Tragedy in America's High Schools
2.Politics and Strange Bedfellows: Who's Sleeping With Farm Animals on Capitol Hill
3.Uncle Macho's Fried-Right-the-First-Time Beans
4.Mark McGwire's All-Nude Review
5.Prince: The Exclusive Interview With the Famous Recluse We Couldn't Get
Archives
Volume 43
Dear commune: As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I don’t know them. They probably weren’t spoken to me. What I’m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine,... (5/26/03)

Volume 42
Dear commune: Well, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. She always knows her place, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Talking about Ivana Folger-Balzac here.... (5/12/03)

Volume 41
Dear commune: You ever get the feeling that someone’s constantly watching you, monitoring your every move, censoring your every word? Like a cold, oppressive hand is closing around your windpipe as you speak? Like every freedom you’ve taken for... (4/28/03)

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