RC Dice

"Nothin' says lovin' like brand-name goods. And nothin' pretends to say lovin' like cheap imitations of brand-name goods."

Remember when they made Capri Sun? I loved Capri Sun. I would pop the straw in and drink it right to the bottom, real fast. That way the guy could yell and scream and punch me, but he couldn't get his Capri Sun back. You'd think after the first time he would guard his lunch better.

It makes you wonder why they stop making great products. There was this cereal they used to make, it was like Cap'n Crunch but all peanut butter pebbles, and a stick of chocolate was right in the middle of it. It was called Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch and you had to buy a chocolate bar and stick it in the middle. "You got peanut butter in my chocolate!" I would yell at the cereal. Then I wasn't allowed to eat at the neighbors' house anymore.

Every time I start to really like a product they take it off the market. Just because… okay, I don't know why. It probably has to do with money and business things. There were some corn chips once called Doritos, they were really good. They had a cheese powder that would coat your hands and you could leave a cheese handprint on your shirt and it looked like you just got done fighting someone with cheese hands. Or maybe a whole cheese person, but that opens up some doors I don't want to open. Why did they stop making Doritos?

Or this one drink, it was sure as shit good. That's how they advertised it—"Sure as shit good!" But the TV wouldn't let them say "shit," so they bleeped it out, but everybody knew it was supposed to be shit because you could make out the "sh" at the beginning and the "t" sound at the end. It was called RC cola.

I'm not much on brand names, most of the time. My shoes aren't a famous brand at all, unless flip-flops are an actual brand. In that case I should spell them Flip-Flops. Anything that's a brand name is capitalized, and anything that's capitalized is a brand name. Which is why I capitalize "the Hopeless Loser." It will one day be a line of successful bodyglove suits.

But I do love brand name food items. It's a shame they quit making everything I like. Or they want a lot of money for them, either one, same side of the same coin. Or different side of the same coin.

Here's a moral question: If you don't go to the store and buy any food, since you don't want to spend the money, can you live very long? Probably not, if my cousin Jimmy "Gandhi" Cruise is any indication. So the moral of the story: Don't blow all your money shooting dice on Monday, since you might be hungry on Friday. I know it would be a better parable if I had characters like a chicken and a goat in it saying all that stuff. But all those talking animals would make me even hungrier.

Anyway, it's Friday and I'm hungry enough to eat a goat.

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