Genuine Draft

May 26, 2003

"I swear, it's just like Herpies Law. Anything can go wrong, you get herpies. Story of my life."

The big problem with going to war is it's all fun until they tell you to go. Kicking ass is easy when you're watching on TV, give me a remote and I'll kick everybody's ass. A whole lot of ass. Guns are heavier and harder to point.

I shot a gun once, at a gun show. Nobody told me that was the secret signal to start a dogpile. Dogpiles are fun only if you're the guy on top, or the one with the video camera.

Really they should call it a manpile, since usually there's no dogs. Then if you were walking down the street and you saw a pile of dogs, you would yell "Manpile!" and the dogs would look at you funny.

Some judge told me I needed a hobby, so I decided my hobby was not going in the army. Whatever you call not going to war and being shot up by the Chinese. That's my hobby.

It's fun to have a hobby and have something to say on the dating service video. I think that's what it was but it was weird because I didn't know the cops taped those. That must be what the only semi-crooked cops do for extra money.

But sometimes a hobby can cramp your style, which in my case is doggystyle. The other day at the gas station I overheard about a party where they were going to have a Miller Genuine Draft. I had to tell those guys thanks, but I couldn't risk going in the army. They were so mad they said I was never invited anyway, and who the hell are you? But I said hey, sometimes your hobby comes first. Sometimes the girl comes first, but only when she is really ugly and you are too drunk to think of somebody hotter.

Quote of the Day

“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”

-Dred Scott Drummond

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.

Try again later.

Top Georgian Euphemisms for Evolution

1.	Satan's Trick
2.	How Stuff Grow'd Up
3.	Changemification
4.	Uppetyupping
5.	Magic!

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