Conversations Vol. 2

November 25, 2002

I've never seen a dog smile.

Maybe dogs don't like you.

What's not to like?

It's not a dilemma for me; I don't like any kind of snot.

I never got my dilemma. For High School.

Diploma.

God Bless You.

You weren't able to finish High School?

No, and for that I blame the Finns.

At least you could have lettered on the swim team.

Nope, they were papier-mÃ¢chÃ©.

You tested them out?

Yes, in the kiddie pool. I didn't want to drown.

I think your classmates would have outvoted you on that one.

Who's Juan? I think you may have the brain fever, you're obviously confused.

At least you know you can't catch it from me.

Good point.

So what did you do after high school?

I wanted to go to culinary school in Ireland, but I couldn't find one.

You might as well face it, you love fuckin' potatoes.

Only when there aren't any ripe pumpkins handy.

Well, let's just hope Farmer Brown doesn't bring a paternity suit.

No kidding. Are those the ones with the big lapels? Yuck.

Anyone ever tell you you're a genius?

Not since I started keeping track.

Shocking, that is.

Milestones

1999: Raoul Dunkin's first play, The Touch of Love, is put on in the commune break room by giggling staff reporters who find it unguarded in Dunkin's desk.

Now Hiring

Park Ranger. Duties include curtailing activities of bears, from large-haired picnic-basket stealing fun-lovin' bears to savage, towering vicious grizzly bears. Encountering bears is unlikely within the office, but your presence should finally shut up bear-phobic Ivana Folger-Balzac.

Top 5 Other Hasselhof Home Videos

1.	Whoopsh!: Outtakes From the Drinking Videos
2.	5 hours straight of sucking in gut until a rib pops out
3.	All-nude Batwatch starring some girls from the escort service
4.	Intense argument with his car over who is the real star of Knight Rider
5.	Imaginary non-German music awards show where Hasselhoff sweeps every category

Angry Like a Eunuch's Long-Gone Balls
Sorry, pardon the bad attitude, but I'm fresh out of condoms. What really pisses me off is that it probably won't make a difference. Think about it for a minute, if running out of rubbers is going to change your day at all and you'll probably get... (11/11/02)

The Myth of American Constipation
Jesus. It's as cold as Hillary Clinton's snatch out there. I know this happens every year, but Good God. Does it really? Like this? Knock on wood and hopefully I'm not screwing myself here, but is constipation really the big national... (10/28/02)

The Dating Game: Ages 10 and Up
There's just no way you can help what happened with the women in the end. I mean, when you think about it, once we started demanding that everybody should look like ten year-old girls with abnormally accelerated breast development, it was only a... (10/14/02)