Conversations Vol. 2

November 25, 2002

I've never seen a dog smile.

Maybe dogs don't like you.

What's not to like?

It's not a dilemma for me; I don't like any kind of snot.

I never got my dilemma. For High School.

Diploma.

God Bless You.

You weren't able to finish High School?

No, and for that I blame the Finns.

At least you could have lettered on the swim team.

Nope, they were papier-mÃ¢chÃ©.

You tested them out?

Yes, in the kiddie pool. I didn't want to drown.

I think your classmates would have outvoted you on that one.

Who's Juan? I think you may have the brain fever, you're obviously confused.

At least you know you can't catch it from me.

Good point.

So what did you do after high school?

I wanted to go to culinary school in Ireland, but I couldn't find one.

You might as well face it, you love fuckin' potatoes.

Only when there aren't any ripe pumpkins handy.

Well, let's just hope Farmer Brown doesn't bring a paternity suit.

No kidding. Are those the ones with the big lapels? Yuck.

Anyone ever tell you you're a genius?

Not since I started keeping track.

Shocking, that is.

Quote of the Day

“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels

Fortune 500 Cookie

This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.

Try again later.

Top 5 Worst Zen Koans

1.	What is the sound of two dogs fucking?
2.	If a tree falls in the woods, doesn't it kill a shitload of ants?
3.	Say, what's the meaning of life?
4.	Worms have no eyebrowsâ€”think about that for a minute
5.	(tie) Where's the beef?/Shut the fuck up

Angry Like a Eunuch's Long-Gone Balls
Sorry, pardon the bad attitude, but I'm fresh out of condoms. What really pisses me off is that it probably won't make a difference. Think about it for a minute, if running out of rubbers is going to change your day at all and you'll probably get... (11/11/02)

The Myth of American Constipation
Jesus. It's as cold as Hillary Clinton's snatch out there. I know this happens every year, but Good God. Does it really? Like this? Knock on wood and hopefully I'm not screwing myself here, but is constipation really the big national... (10/28/02)

The Dating Game: Ages 10 and Up
There's just no way you can help what happened with the women in the end. I mean, when you think about it, once we started demanding that everybody should look like ten year-old girls with abnormally accelerated breast development, it was only a... (10/14/02)