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09/13/25   
Fun for the whole fuckin' family

Bulimia Machine

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February 17, 2003
"My body is like a well-oiled machine—both are really oily."

I joined a gym yesterday. I didn't know it could be court-ordered to join a gym. I suppose if nothing else it's a good warning to everyone else not to snack on pork rinds during court proceedings, but in my defense, it's not like it was a murder trial or nothing. Just manslaughter.

The gym's not so bad, really, if you know where to look. Only suckers stop at the machines with the pully slinky things or those machines where you run and never go anywhere. There was some comedian who said I don't run unless I'm being chased, but I think he was just pissed off at me for eating pork rinds while he was trying to do his act.

Gyms have hot tubs and showers and all sorts of cool things. The showers have hot water, but you have to shower with all these guys who are probably gay. They were watching me the whole time I showered. Only one of them said anything, some security guy who came up to me afterwards and said you can't take firearms into the shower, there was some law against concealed weapons in the club. I told him it was in a holster but there was no way to conceal anything while taking a shower. He didn't think it was funny and I'm on warning at the club.

I tried losing weight hundreds of times before, but I always gain it back when I start breathing again. You can try to keep it sucked in all day, but I'm telling you it doesn't work. You just turn blue and pass out, which is another thing that pisses off judges and stand-up comedians.

One time I bought one of those electric machines you hook up to your body and lose weight with electricity. I tried it on everything, and I mean everything, but I never lost any weight. Well, it made my balls shrink up to the size of peanut M&Ms but that's not the kind of thing you can brag about.

What they need is some kind of bulimia machine or something. Those bulimics lose shitloads of weight. I'm not talking a big Willy Wonka kind of contraption, just some kind of box where you spit the food after chewing all the flavor out of it. Take a chicken wing, munch on it until the flavor's gone, then spit it into the box, maybe even throw the bone in. Man, if it turned the spitty crap back into food, you'd have a million-dollar idea. But all the food lobbies would be pissed.

That reminds me, I'm out of pork rinds.


Quote of the Day
“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”

-Gorgeous George Spatten
Fortune 500 Cookie
Prepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20—don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.


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