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07/1/25   
Like a friend you don't deserve

Nice Herpes

bio/email
January 6, 2003
"You can't always get what you want. I can't even get a fuckin' parking space."

This guy was totally wearing a hairpiece. It's funny as hell because it looked real bad and I thought of those Cheech & Chong guys when they keep saying hairpiece and it sounds like "herpes." They're saying, "I got herpes and everyone can tell I got herpes!" It's funny. So I tell the guy he has coldsores and he punches me out. True story.

Nothing can fix a broken nose. A doctor can, yeah, but what are you going to do, pay a doctor to fix your broken nose? Get serious.

I stuffed toilet paper up in my nose and that just made my nose puffier and everyone could see the tissue hanging out. "I got herpes!" Ha! I kept saying that, too, thinking about the Cheech & Chong movie. So I got kicked out of church anyway, that's what that's all about. No fucking pleasing some priests. They want you to come to church, then they want you not to talk about herpes. Make up your mind.

Red Bagel drinks a lot—I respect that. Anyone who drinks my beer after my nose tissue has fallen into it is alright with me. I'm not going to drink that! That tissue's been in my nose! But he's cool. It all comes out the same color in the end, he said. I don't know what he means by that but he's okay with me.

"You want a column?" he asked me after he'd had four more drinks on my dime. Well, what kind of person would think he's talking about a semi-monthly internet column in a web publication? I thought he was talking about a large concrete cylinder for holding up buildings. So I told him yeah, who wouldn't? 'Cause who wouldn't, am I right?

All of a sudden I'm getting calls for columns and deadlines. I thought you were giving me the column! Try explain that.

So my house burned down. Maybe KFC wasn't lying about those Buffalo Chicken Wedges being extra spicy, 'cause my fridge went up in flames. Just in case it was related to Bagel and this column thing, though, I got my column done and turned in. This is it.


Quote of the Day
“Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy, and in total compliance with puritan mores. All others will be stoned to death, just as soon as they wake up.”

-Dan Franklin
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are the jovial type who would gladly eat shit and ask for more, which will serve you well in the coming year, what with the shovel fork you got for Christmas. But for the sake of Buddha, remember to pack a roll of Certs. Lucky numbers 33, 57, 89, 105.


Try again later.
Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now
1.Ted Ted's ulcer
2.Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.Lousy gag candles
4.Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.The sun. Pretty sure.
8.Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.Dad?
10.You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.
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