Nice Herpes

"You can't always get what you want. I can't even get a fuckin' parking space."

This guy was totally wearing a hairpiece. It's funny as hell because it looked real bad and I thought of those Cheech & Chong guys when they keep saying hairpiece and it sounds like "herpes." They're saying, "I got herpes and everyone can tell I got herpes!" It's funny. So I tell the guy he has coldsores and he punches me out. True story.

Nothing can fix a broken nose. A doctor can, yeah, but what are you going to do, pay a doctor to fix your broken nose? Get serious.

I stuffed toilet paper up in my nose and that just made my nose puffier and everyone could see the tissue hanging out. "I got herpes!" Ha! I kept saying that, too, thinking about the Cheech & Chong movie. So I got kicked out of church anyway, that's what that's all about. No fucking pleasing some priests. They want you to come to church, then they want you not to talk about herpes. Make up your mind.

Red Bagel drinks a lot—I respect that. Anyone who drinks my beer after my nose tissue has fallen into it is alright with me. I'm not going to drink that! That tissue's been in my nose! But he's cool. It all comes out the same color in the end, he said. I don't know what he means by that but he's okay with me.

"You want a column?" he asked me after he'd had four more drinks on my dime. Well, what kind of person would think he's talking about a semi-monthly internet column in a web publication? I thought he was talking about a large concrete cylinder for holding up buildings. So I told him yeah, who wouldn't? 'Cause who wouldn't, am I right?

All of a sudden I'm getting calls for columns and deadlines. I thought you were giving me the column! Try explain that.

So my house burned down. Maybe KFC wasn't lying about those Buffalo Chicken Wedges being extra spicy, 'cause my fridge went up in flames. Just in case it was related to Bagel and this column thing, though, I got my column done and turned in. This is it.