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04/4/25   
No, you're thinking of the other the commune

Nice Herpes

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January 6, 2003
"You can't always get what you want. I can't even get a fuckin' parking space."

This guy was totally wearing a hairpiece. It's funny as hell because it looked real bad and I thought of those Cheech & Chong guys when they keep saying hairpiece and it sounds like "herpes." They're saying, "I got herpes and everyone can tell I got herpes!" It's funny. So I tell the guy he has coldsores and he punches me out. True story.

Nothing can fix a broken nose. A doctor can, yeah, but what are you going to do, pay a doctor to fix your broken nose? Get serious.

I stuffed toilet paper up in my nose and that just made my nose puffier and everyone could see the tissue hanging out. "I got herpes!" Ha! I kept saying that, too, thinking about the Cheech & Chong movie. So I got kicked out of church anyway, that's what that's all about. No fucking pleasing some priests. They want you to come to church, then they want you not to talk about herpes. Make up your mind.

Red Bagel drinks a lot—I respect that. Anyone who drinks my beer after my nose tissue has fallen into it is alright with me. I'm not going to drink that! That tissue's been in my nose! But he's cool. It all comes out the same color in the end, he said. I don't know what he means by that but he's okay with me.

"You want a column?" he asked me after he'd had four more drinks on my dime. Well, what kind of person would think he's talking about a semi-monthly internet column in a web publication? I thought he was talking about a large concrete cylinder for holding up buildings. So I told him yeah, who wouldn't? 'Cause who wouldn't, am I right?

All of a sudden I'm getting calls for columns and deadlines. I thought you were giving me the column! Try explain that.

So my house burned down. Maybe KFC wasn't lying about those Buffalo Chicken Wedges being extra spicy, 'cause my fridge went up in flames. Just in case it was related to Bagel and this column thing, though, I got my column done and turned in. This is it.


Quote of the Day
“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”

-Dennis Freebasen
Fortune 500 Cookie
You're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.


Try again later.
Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion
1."Oh My God—you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2."I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3."Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4."Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5."That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6."You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguy—don't think I've forgotten."
7."Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8."The old gymnasium still smells like burned flesh—what memories!"
9."So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10."Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."
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