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04/17/25   
Featured in the upcoming documentary Web of Lies

Green is Card

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February 17, 2003
Boris watching T.V. in the night to see funny man speaks of Jesus. Favoritefunny show this week for Boris, man with fiberglass hair say thing of lord infunny voice all times. "PRAISETHEJESUS!" he yell and Boris is laughing. Boristell this joke to persons at supermarket but no laughing from them. Person withbib say to Boris "Cash or credit, sir?" and Boris yell "PRAISETHEJESUS!" butBoris only one laughing.

Boris think persons is sad from wearing bib.

So like said, Boris is watching funny T.V. when commercial come on to tell Borisof Girls Got Wild. Is exciting movie. In movie girls decide is time forno clothes. And so "POOF!" no clothes and dancing. Boris love dancing! Whatlovely movie.

Back in Homeland, Boris always want such girls. But no, never for Boris. Bestfriend Mikhail have such a girl as partner long time. So much fun. All times sheis being naked and drinking drunk. At church and grocery even. And sexing withall Mikhail friends, so much fun. Mikhail always lucky that way.

One time Boris think he have such girl in Sonja. Sonja go wild and bite Boris onface and call Boris mother fucker of mother. Is this fun of wild girls? ButBoris friends tell that Sonja is not wild, is bitch. Oh no! Boris mistake. Sonjacould make movie Girls Got Bitch all perfection.

Boris never got wild girl, so Boris want movie all very much. So Boris calltelephone with number to say "Give to Boris Girls Got Wild!"

But then Boris having problem. Movie persons not wanting magic beans for movie!No fooling with you! Boris shake head at crazy world. Persons wanting dollar formovie, and Boris not having dollar. Is sad day.

Louis explain that Boris need special job for get dollar, not like "I am BagelRed!" job. Not same. Job like driving bus or to ski on television.

Boris think for time and think of like to scrub floor with tennis ball on stick.This is job for Boris!

So Boris go to store and tell "Give to Boris tennis ball job!"

Man in hat talk to Boris about job and to fill out fun papers. Then man ask forto see Boris green card. Boris give to man of card, but man look like smellingold dirty neighbors.

Boris say "You not worry, green is card!" with smile like no problem.

But man in hat is not going happy. Him look like holding onto big shit. "Are youfucking with me? This is a Home Depot card!"

Boris nod and smile. "Green is card!"

End of exciting story is no tennis ball job for Boris, man in hat not liking himnot lots. So no Girls Got Wild not other. Sad, no? No! Surprise by happyending is you! Boris go home and find Louis already have movie.

What happy movie is life.


Quote of the Day
“A little bad taste is like a dash of paprika. A lot of bad taste, like a grinder full of cayenne pepper. And doing that annoying Cajun guy impression while doing anything—well, that's just beyond bad taste.”

-Dirty Parkbench
Fortune 500 Cookie
In the annals of history, there has always been one man who laughs uncontrollably whenever someone says "annals"—that's your legacy. Turn up the heat this week, 'cause that fucking turkey has been in the oven since Saturday. If you can't beat them, join them, and show them what real losers they are for accepting you into the group. Lucky bastards this week are Tom Monroe, Pete Gelbart, Judy Simon, and that son you're pretty sure is living in Winnipeg now.


Try again later.
Top 5 Ways for a Fantatic to Honor Favorite Musician
1.Break into house; masturbate in the bathtub.
2.Nothing says "I love you" like your name in scar tissue
3.Dress like Hootie. Talk like Hootie. Be Hootie.
4.What the fuck—kill him so he can never make any more wonderful music.
5.Talk loudly at parties about how much better his early work was.
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