Green is Card

February 17, 2003

Boris watching T.V. in the night to see funny man speaks of Jesus. Favoritefunny show this week for Boris, man with fiberglass hair say thing of lord infunny voice all times. "PRAISETHEJESUS!" he yell and Boris is laughing. Boristell this joke to persons at supermarket but no laughing from them. Person withbib say to Boris "Cash or credit, sir?" and Boris yell "PRAISETHEJESUS!" butBoris only one laughing.

Boris think persons is sad from wearing bib.

So like said, Boris is watching funny T.V. when commercial come on to tell Borisof Girls Got Wild. Is exciting movie. In movie girls decide is time forno clothes. And so "POOF!" no clothes and dancing. Boris love dancing! Whatlovely movie.

Back in Homeland, Boris always want such girls. But no, never for Boris. Bestfriend Mikhail have such a girl as partner long time. So much fun. All times sheis being naked and drinking drunk. At church and grocery even. And sexing withall Mikhail friends, so much fun. Mikhail always lucky that way.

One time Boris think he have such girl in Sonja. Sonja go wild and bite Boris onface and call Boris mother fucker of mother. Is this fun of wild girls? ButBoris friends tell that Sonja is not wild, is bitch. Oh no! Boris mistake. Sonjacould make movie Girls Got Bitch all perfection.

Boris never got wild girl, so Boris want movie all very much. So Boris calltelephone with number to say "Give to Boris Girls Got Wild!"

But then Boris having problem. Movie persons not wanting magic beans for movie!No fooling with you! Boris shake head at crazy world. Persons wanting dollar formovie, and Boris not having dollar. Is sad day.

Louis explain that Boris need special job for get dollar, not like "I am BagelRed!" job. Not same. Job like driving bus or to ski on television.

Boris think for time and think of like to scrub floor with tennis ball on stick.This is job for Boris!

So Boris go to store and tell "Give to Boris tennis ball job!"

Man in hat talk to Boris about job and to fill out fun papers. Then man ask forto see Boris green card. Boris give to man of card, but man look like smellingold dirty neighbors.

Boris say "You not worry, green is card!" with smile like no problem.

But man in hat is not going happy. Him look like holding onto big shit. "Are youfucking with me? This is a Home Depot card!"

Boris nod and smile. "Green is card!"

End of exciting story is no tennis ball job for Boris, man in hat not liking himnot lots. So no Girls Got Wild not other. Sad, no? No! Surprise by happyending is you! Boris go home and find Louis already have movie.

What happy movie is life.

Quote of the Day

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”

-Mark Twaint

Fortune 500 Cookie

This is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and â€¦wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?

Try again later.

5 Ways to Spend Your $208 Million Lottery Jackpot

1.	Finance own album of you singing Broadway standards; pay people to buy it
2.	Invest heavily in million-dollar ducks
3.	Buy a car for everyone you know, something they could all fit in at once
4.	Spend 208 nights with Demi Moore
5.	Fund grassroots pro-President Bush campaigns

Boris is Superbowl Party
Ah, hello! How'd it happen? Yes, yes, Boris is good too. Already Boris feel American like John Sinatra. Louis teach about football, andcheese in can. What wonderful thing! Boris press button on can, and cheese jumpout like "Here I am to eat!"... (2/3/03)

Hello From Robot Apartment
Hello, country! Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes. Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and... (1/20/03)

Coming Inside America
Hello now. Boris is here. Welcome to the country where Boris now living. America! Hello! Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth... (1/6/03)