Hello From Robot Apartment

January 20, 2003

Hello, country!

Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes.

Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris!

But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" and move armslike robot arms. And people who are near give Louis robot money. Is true! Isexpensive to look at robot in America.

Soon Louis is Boris friend like no surprise, robots always like Boris. And herent room to Boris in beautiful apartment! Boris have room with light on stringand many coats to choose when cold. Hooray for Boris!

Now Boris like real citizen, even him getting mail. Boris get book of bras inmail! Beautiful book with pictures, and many stories of different bras andcolors. Louis say "Boris this is junk mail! Not for hanging on wall!" Oh ha ha.Funny time for misunderstanding. Boris have much sex fun with junk mail.

Boris love very much T.V. commercial. Like little movie is free. What willhappen if kitchen is dirty? Aha! Little soap monsters come eat kitchen dirt!Boris love that part every time. What will happen if grandma is old? Look out!Little ones will call grandma who is old on telephones. What a happy movie.

America life is very much pleasing to Boris. Beautiful country with soft,fuzzing floors to sleep which on. And for working, Boris go to library and buybook on microwaves, and is yelling "No control mind of Bagel Red, who is me! Goto hell with book, honkies!" and walk out with pants on ankles. Boris find truecalling telephone at last.

Not like in Homeland, where Boris work to put coal in piles of coal. All day,working to stack up the dirty coal, never taking break. And mean persons withboots yell at Boris all day, no fun.

"Hey, asshole man! You come back with the coal that is not yours! I kill youhard!"

And Boris is always running. In America, no running. Only with boyfriendmisunderstanding is there running in America. Funny big men who thinks Boris iswant to rob girlfriend, crazy things. Boris tell them "No no, Boris only wantingfun sex time, no funny businesses." But language is hard, funny men think Boriswant to steal purse or necklace. Like Boris wears such thing!

So, Boris is running. Funny sometimes that life is staying same.

Milestones

131 B.C.: Roman inventor Pontius creates love accidentally while trying to come up with a perfume that staves off homosexuality. Anyone who disagrees, we invite them to tell us who created love then.

Now Hiring

Barber. Staff barber sought to keep heads neat and trim, faces clean shaven, and reduce hippieness by at least 30%. Own scissors and weird Vitalis smell a plus. Controversial "tell-it-like-it-is" barbers need not apply.

Top Positive Changes Inspired by Va. Tech Massacre

1.	Public now rightfully suspicious of South Koreans
2.	Bush to up military spending to ensure troops aren't outgunned by Iraqi college students
3.	Handguns: two for the price of one, Big Dill's Gun Barn, Williamsburg, VA
4.	Congress to pass ban on recreational bazookas
5.	Grand Theft Auto: Va. Tech to carry "It's just a game" disclaimer

Coming Inside America
Hello now. Boris is here. Welcome to the country where Boris now living. America! Hello! Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth... (1/6/03)