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03/27/26   
French-kissing the Internet's pie-hole since 1999

Moon

bio/email
December 10, 2001
"In the glory days of childhood I could sit for hours and stare up at the sky, provided it was dark. I would count the stars, lose count, start over from scratch, lose count again, swear very loudly, give up, and just look at the moon.

An acquaintance of mine, Arch Hofstetter, would laugh rudely when I said one day we'll colonize the moon. He told me we'd never step foot on the moon, which I argued with. I had imagination and optimism, hope for the future. I told Arch surely one day science would be advanced enough to take a man to the moon. Again, he assured me:

'We'll never walk on the moon. I bet you a million ka-billion dollars.'

Later, Arch and I were stationed together in the final days of World War II. Just lying on our backs in some cold German minefield, afraid to move for getting shot, and we'd lay still and lazily talk about the moon and the stars. I talked about rocket propulsion and nuclear weapons, telling Arch someday mankind would get to the small gray orb floating over our heads.

'Trust me, we'll never walk on the moon. I bet you a million ka-billion dollars.'

Well, next time I saw ol' Arch Hofstetter was 1969, roughly September. He was getting out of a taxi and I was getting in, one of those strange coincidences perfect for anectdotal stories.

'I suppose you saw the T.V.? Read the newspapers?' I asked him with smug confidence. 'We put a man on the moon, Arch. I knew we could do it.'

Naturally I didn't expect Arch to get out a check and scribble in 'a million ka-billion dollars' or anything, but I didn't appreciate his reaction at all when he said: 'All I said was that we'd never get to the moon, Sampson, you and me together. I never said nothin' about other guys.'

I hate when people do that!

Arch Hofstetter died about a year later. Doctors say it was a bad heart and unhealthy lifestyle, but I think he realized we still had a good number of years left in which I could've found a way to get to the moon and dragged him, even involuntarily, and there ain't no way he could afford a million ka-billion dollars for a lousy bet."


Milestones
1990: Red Bagel's dark vision of the future presented in lecture form at a local college predicts a war in Iraq, though he incorrectly predicts the date as 2002. Unless… well, we'll wait and see, won't we?
Now Hiring
Bartender. Mix all variety of drinks, serve beers with a quick smile and friendly expression. Listening a must, flipping bottles and spinning like in Cocktail a plus. Must know when to cut off Ramrod Hurley—immediately—and when to cut off Red Bagel—never, if you like your job.
Top Reasons for Increased U.S. Ladder-Associated Deaths
1."Up/Down" directions never specified
2.Reckless Generation Y refuses to wear protective equipment
3.Ladder-deaths portrayed so glamorously in the movies
4.Frequent union strikes by staircases leaving human helpless to descend to higher landings except by already overcrowded ladders
5.Direct correlation to 50% increase in all-blind-cast productions of Our Town
Archives
Radio
"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could... (11/26/01)

First Kiss
"I remember quite clearly the first girl I ever kissed. I was very young and inexperienced, no older than 13. No younger than 13 either. In fact, I was 13. She was a very self-assured woman, slightly older, around 16. She wore confidence like a... (11/12/01)

Penpal
"In my younger days I had a penpal named LeShandy. He was a boy roughly the same age and lived in a faraway place I had never heard of called Iceland. Sometimes he would mention, to my surprise, that Iceland was very, very green. And he had been... (10/29/01)

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