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03/24/26   
Fuck off, Canada

Moon

bio/email
December 10, 2001
"In the glory days of childhood I could sit for hours and stare up at the sky, provided it was dark. I would count the stars, lose count, start over from scratch, lose count again, swear very loudly, give up, and just look at the moon.

An acquaintance of mine, Arch Hofstetter, would laugh rudely when I said one day we'll colonize the moon. He told me we'd never step foot on the moon, which I argued with. I had imagination and optimism, hope for the future. I told Arch surely one day science would be advanced enough to take a man to the moon. Again, he assured me:

'We'll never walk on the moon. I bet you a million ka-billion dollars.'

Later, Arch and I were stationed together in the final days of World War II. Just lying on our backs in some cold German minefield, afraid to move for getting shot, and we'd lay still and lazily talk about the moon and the stars. I talked about rocket propulsion and nuclear weapons, telling Arch someday mankind would get to the small gray orb floating over our heads.

'Trust me, we'll never walk on the moon. I bet you a million ka-billion dollars.'

Well, next time I saw ol' Arch Hofstetter was 1969, roughly September. He was getting out of a taxi and I was getting in, one of those strange coincidences perfect for anectdotal stories.

'I suppose you saw the T.V.? Read the newspapers?' I asked him with smug confidence. 'We put a man on the moon, Arch. I knew we could do it.'

Naturally I didn't expect Arch to get out a check and scribble in 'a million ka-billion dollars' or anything, but I didn't appreciate his reaction at all when he said: 'All I said was that we'd never get to the moon, Sampson, you and me together. I never said nothin' about other guys.'

I hate when people do that!

Arch Hofstetter died about a year later. Doctors say it was a bad heart and unhealthy lifestyle, but I think he realized we still had a good number of years left in which I could've found a way to get to the moon and dragged him, even involuntarily, and there ain't no way he could afford a million ka-billion dollars for a lousy bet."


Quote of the Day
“Yours is not to question why, yadda yadda yadda, just jump out of the goddamned plane already.”

-Corporal "D-Wipe" Heisenhouser
Fortune 500 Cookie
Let me be the first to say: Elastic Grandmacraps. You can run but you can't hide, and that's why you never got the Hide 'N Seek scholarship to Brown you had your hopes set on. Your character of Jasper the Friendly Goat will garner you the attention you've long desired this week, but will be much more of the legal variety than you had intended. This week's lucky animal cookies: dog, penguin, June bug, Oreo.


Try again later.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Archives
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Penpal
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