Volume 1

Dear commune:

Ed Phillips here again. Just had to let you know you guys were on the right track again with that teenage pregnancy issue. It's an unbelievable epidemic. I've gotten four teenage girls pregnant in the last six months. The problem is uncontrollable.

Back in my high school days, nearly 20 years ago, the girls were properly shamed for straying from society's moral compass. Three of the teenage girls I impregnated as a young man left town quickly to see abortions in states where they were easily obtainable.

Who's to blame? Call me old-fashioned, but I say it's the parent's fault. When parents finally stop blaming schools and T.V. violence and guys like me, then they can focus their attention on being better parents.

Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ

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Dear commune:

You guys should do something about Omar Bricks. That son of a bitch is seriously close to crossing the line. He has no right to lecture anyone on the dangers of smoking. I have been smoking for ten years and with the exception of one collapsed lung I have had no problems.

My dog has been smoking for 2 years now. Is he unhealthy? Hell no! Sure, he isn't as fast as he used to be but that's because he is an old dog and only has one leg left. Do you think that is funny? You are heartless bastards. And you should definitely do something about that Omar Bricks.

My dad is a tobacco man from way back. He used to raise tobacco, before the tractor accident robbed him of his own head. But if he could dad would be here smoking alongside me and Rags.

I usually enjoy Omar Bricks' "My Friend Polio," but not anymore! I'm starting to wonder if someone's at the wheel of the commune, if you know what I mean.

This is not in response to a specific article, but I can tell by the way Omar Bricks stares at me while I'm reading "My Friend Polio" with a cigarette in hand that he is one of those non-smoking bastards who would lecture me and my dog if given half a chance. I will not stand for this!

Also, tell Bricks to stay the hell away from my sister. Again, just a preventative measure.

No longer a happy reader,
Ira M. Bumquist
Fayetteville, NC

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Dear commune:

My T.V. is once again on the blink. Is this what you call quality service?

Angry customer,
Bridgette Hardy
Montpelier, VT


Dear Bridgitte:

We are sorry you're unhappy with your commune service. Our aim is customer satisfaction; when we fall short, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Our only desire is to keep our customers happy. We appreciate your alerting us to lacking service, and we shall do our best to remedy it. Quality is the only word one should associate with the commune. We are working to make the commune better and your comments are crucial to that, and important for us to hear.

Also, we do not manufacture T.V.s. We are a website. You must have purchased your television elsewhere.

We are express-shipping to you a clue.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content of letters or the opinions expressed therein. The opinions and content arrive to us sealed in the envelopes tightly and there's no way we can get inside except to open them. Believe us, we've tried alternative methods and it never works out.