Vase

November 4, 1999

"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface. She told all of us kids never to touch that vase. I asked her if I could put things in it and she told me, 'Only on special occasions.'

Turns out finding three dozen night crawlers isn't a special occasion."

Milestones

2001: Bogus office psychic Mazie the chicken predicts radical arab terrorists will attack giant silver towers and a military stronghold on Sept. 10th. An angry Red Bagel eventually takes away her predictions column.

Now Hiring

Nanny. Traditional English dress and accent required, none of that rough Brooklyn flower bullshit. Strong musical training and good voice a must. Should be able to rhyme easily, even if only creating nonsensical words in most of songs. We provide spoonfuls of sugar and medicine, as well as company umbrella. Three references needed.

Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now

1.	Ted Ted's ulcer
2.	Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.	Lousy gag candles
4.	Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.	Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.	Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.	The sun. Pretty sure.
8.	Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.	Dad?
10.	You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.