Vase

November 4, 1999

"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface. She told all of us kids never to touch that vase. I asked her if I could put things in it and she told me, 'Only on special occasions.'

Turns out finding three dozen night crawlers isn't a special occasion."

Milestones

1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce "armistice" correctly.

Now Hiring

Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.

5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped

1.	My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.	You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.	Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.	If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.	Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)