Vase

November 4, 1999

"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface. She told all of us kids never to touch that vase. I asked her if I could put things in it and she told me, 'Only on special occasions.'

Turns out finding three dozen night crawlers isn't a special occasion."

Milestones

1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."

Now Hiring

Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about thisâ€¦ just aboutâ€¦ now.

Top 5 Concessions to Iran for Freeing British Prisoners

1.	Give Iranian cricket team real shot at the World Cup
2.	Current prisoners traded for Ian MacKellen, who can hopefully deliver more convincing confession
3.	Just one more season of Ricky Gervais' The Office
4.	Three words: Spandau Ballet Reunion
5.	Stab at pissing off the second-largest military force in the West before taking on the biggest not as successful as expected