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08/25/26   
Featured in the upcoming documentary Web of Lies

Vase

bio/email
November 4, 1999
"Mom had this vase given to her in Great Aunt Mable's will and she loved it dearly. It sat on a wooden table in front of our picture window. I think it was from Japan. All I remember was the funny blue lines that decorated its pale, white surface. She told all of us kids never to touch that vase. I asked her if I could put things in it and she told me, 'Only on special occasions.'

Turns out finding three dozen night crawlers isn't a special occasion."


Milestones
1812: Some kind of war of note happened, probably involving some big shot historical guys. People waved their dicks around and shouted, most likely.
Now Hiring
Bitchin' Ninja. Ass-kicking ninja needed for sword-swallowing, punching through solid rock, hiding underwater for days at a time, providing tactical superiority over other online news-magazines, cosmetics consultations, brick-laying, snowboarding out of airplanes, cooking delicious soufflés, cowering foes with a steely glare, and taxidermy. Mystical world-view a plus.
Hottest Christmas Toy Fads
1.Dolly Pees N' Downloads
2.PEZac Anti-Depressant Candies
3.Bloodbung IV for Gamecube
4.Golidie2k2 Robotic Goldfish
5.Virtual Bike Training Wheels Disc
6.West Nile Elmo
7.FunFree Learn-o-station
8.Britney Spears' Diaphragm Madness
9.Bob the Builder with Catcall Voice Chip
10.Collect or Die Trading Card "Game"
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