Buenos Greetos, Americanos. Roland McShyster here, brought to you by our good friends at Elmer’s Milk. We’ve got an exciting slate of new summer releases to cover here, so let’s get to the getting!

Besidesmaids
There’s no lower rung on the ladder of female bitchitude than being someone’s back-up bridesmaid for their wedding, in case their real friends fuck off or come down with an unfeminine case of the shits on wedding’s eve. And this group of neurotic tarts spends 90 minutes proving they really did deserve to be besidesmaids. Starring Chris Kattan in a wig.

Fast Five
High-octane adrenaline-soaked action is exactly what’s missing from this curiously sedate sequel to the The Fast and the Fuck You car-racing series, which instead centers around a gang of big, beefy ex-con friends who are constantly jockeying to get into each other’s "Five" list of cell phone numbers that enjoy free calling within the network. There were some pretty tense scenes, like the one where John Boy deletes his own mother from his "Five" while racing down the 405 freeway at the speed of traffic, but overall I was expecting a lot more bone-jarring fireballs and a lot fewer oafs with hot dog fingers trying to text with their thumbs.

The Handover 2
Those loveable babynappers are back for another round of fun in this lighthearted sequel, where they sell the baby from the first movie to a brothel in Thailand. Zach Garfieldknockers reminds everybody that fat Elvis was the funniest thing ever and that guy from The Office is hilarious as that guy from The Office.

Kung Fu Pander 2
Score one for the forces of honesty in advertising, as at least the studios were transparent in naming this series that panders to parents who think their kids are special and should follow their dreams, just like the CGI monkeys and shit in the movie. But as The Karate Kid taught us, all getting really good at karate will ever get you is being Ralph Machismo, which is reason enough not to try anything ever.

Pilates of the Caribbean 4: On Stronger Tards
I knew somebody was gonna make a Pilates video for the mentally disabled sooner or later. Everybody said I was crazy, but who’s the asshole now? The folks that named this movie.

Thorpe
Raise your hand if you knew my junior high social studies teacher had a Marvel superhero modeled after him. I know! But there he is, not any larger than life on the big screen. I’m not sure if Marvel’s going to have a hit on their hands on this one, since even back in junior high I knew that not even 3D CGI could make that fucking guy interesting. Thought I do have to admit I did kind of enjoy the scene where Thorpe brings the hammer down on a burnout who didn’t read up on the Taft-Hartley Act last night.

X-Men: No Class
Finally this venerable franchise quits pulling its punches and gives us the mutants we want to see, the ones with mutations that aren’t ready for prime time. Like ShitStain, the guy who can shit out of any opening in his body, Daddy-Issues, the girl who will hook up with anybody, Nose Candy (who literally produces candy out of his nose, like your uncle at a birthday party, I know, it was a strange choice), Wicker-Hair (that one’s kind of self-explanatory), The Amazing Rapist (also kind of explains itself), Go!Nads! (magnetic balls), The Abominable Snow (white reggae-rapper), Timelap (repeats himself a lot), and Wall Street, the guy who needs cocaine to sleep. Some have complained that the series only turned to these second-stringers because they burnt up all the good mutants in the first half-dozen movies, but I say Fahvernugen to that noise.

Join us again after the next expiration date cycle for the latest in movie truth!

Orson Welch’s Favorite Movies of All Time
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May 14, 2007
Greetings, America, Roland McShyster’s got a hola-ta love for you this week as we’ve officially crossed the threshold into blockbuster season, and I don’t mean the dying retail chain patronized by the last ten people on earth who’ve never... (5/14/07)

May 7, 2007
We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go... (5/7/07)

April 16, 2007
Hola shit, gringos. It’s south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That... (4/16/07)