We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.

Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero angst, but what you’re really going for is to see CGI people slammed repeatedly against walls, cars, trains, and other CGI people. Sam Raimi wants to go out on a big bang, assuming this will be the last time he’s allowed near the Spider-franchise, so there’s about 435 villains fighting Spider-Man in this one. Half of them just because they’re still pissed about Pleasantville, so go figure.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
While the boys are off achieving erections in Spider-Man 3, the girls will be swooning their brains out with Hollywood’s hottest male model/actors in this flick. Fans of the first two films… actually, I have no way to end that sentence, as I’ve never actually met "fans" so much as people who didn’t want to see the producers shot and killed. But there’s more swaggering Johnny Depp, more timid Orlando Bloom, and more tossed-around pointlessly love-triangulated Keira Knightley, who is becoming world famous for doing nothing outside these films. Expect more weird gross-out pirate gags, more buckles savagely swashed, and the real high point of the film everyone’s waiting for, Johnny Depp out-Keith Richardsing Keith Richards himself. Shitloads of boats, too, just for the record.

Shrek the Third
Now here’s an amazingly creative film—nothing in the contents, mind you, only the use of "the Third" in the title rather than the big number "3." Expect Shrek fans to be stymied, wondering where the sequel went and why another movie has "Shrek" in the title. Eddie Murphy continues to finance his house while Mike Myers hangs by a thread over the dangling precipice into film obscurity. And of course, the heart of any Shrek film is present—plenty of burps, farts, pees, and poops to beat the band. You could just stay home with your 68-year-old Scottish grandfather and get the full effect of the whole thing. But then, you’d keep your $8 bucks, so I can understand the experience isn’t complete without losing your cash. Enjoy the CGI horse being flogged dead.

Across the Universe
There will be bigger films than this, more expensive films, but I doubt there will be more inventive and creative films than this. After all, movies come and go, but how many can absolutely ruin the entire musical catalogue of a band as iconic as the Beatles for the rest of your lives? Julie Taymor, the pure evil force who put Disney’s The Lion King on Broadway, has dared to take the most complex and emotional songs of Lennon & McCartney and trivialize them with ridiculous straw characters and cliché-ridden situations that will forever make you weep. As with any Taymor effort, its stocked with cool visuals and sub-human storytelling. Let’s all chip in and buy her some oil paints and canvases and ask her to bury her camera in the dirty once and for all. Put that artistic eye into some still medium that doesn’t require people to say words or anything. And for God’s sake, leave the Beatles alone. Why don’t you ruin ABBA or the Bee-Gees, or a band we can live without?

Gosh, that felt good. And as I assumed it would, I clearly demonstrated seeing the movies is hardly necessary. Which puts me in comfortable company with the people who picket the movies for their content. Until next time, when I promise to actually watch the movies. Sort of.

April 16, 2007
Hola shit, gringos. It’s south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That... (4/16/07)

April 9, 2007
It’s been a month since I last reviewed Hollywood’s latest films—but more importantly, it’s been a March. You all know what March means? Hollywood dumps its very worst on you. Even Hollywood has one night stands with directors and... (4/9/07)

April 2, 2007
Buenos Greetos, America! Do you know what time it is? No, I’m serious, somebody replaced my wall clock with half a live chicken and I have no idea what time it is. Come to think of it, I hope to hell that’s a whole live chicken with only the... (4/2/07)

March 12, 2007
It’s a new year, and I’m proud to inform you I’m no longer bagging groceries at the Safeway. They wanted to go in another direction, whatever that means. So now I volunteer at the local library, but I also help my mom with a lot of home... (3/12/07)

2006 Movies
Buenos Greetings, America! Roland McShyster here, back on the attack and off the crack! What better way to celebrate the months we’ve been apart than to round up the top flicks of the past year? 2006 was a busy year for movies, and though I know... (2/5/07)