Hola shit, gringos. It’s south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That means sharp spelling, wit, and cerveza by the cold cases. Roland McShyster is all over ivy tower intellectual fare like that. But it doesn’t mean I can neglect my movie-reviewing duties, and I don’t have to since directors all send Roland M. their movies on DVD screeners, just hoping for that review blurb that will land the asses in the seats. Watch as I don’t fail to disappoint.

Disturbia

Oh, yeah, let’s kick it cool style with another gripping and gritty story of a real-life rapper who made his way to fame from the streets. Distrubia plays himself, and also wrote the screenplay, and also did the entire soundtrack, and I think he actually slept with all the actresses himself, he’s just that kind of cross-media entertainer. The direction isn’t Jim Sheridan’s Get Rick Or Die Tryin’, but with Disturbia’s ultra-large bloodshot eyes and creepy Fu Manchu, few rappers could match his unsettling physical appearance with the best direction. Dolly Parton rounds out the cast, but not in this film.

The Hoax

When did Hollywood get so brazen? They used to at least put out an actual film, even a crappy one, to get your money. Now in this case they just secured the money to make a movie and split it between the producers and promised not to tell anyone else. Whoever else is in on the joke, they’re not quick to admit it. This film, based on a lie some writer told his mother about a script he wasn’t working on, is the first film shot entirely on no kind of film stock. It doesn’t exist, it doesn’t have a cast, nor does it have a director, and the plot is pretty threadbare, too. Most people who go to see it will probably be a little surprised when they sit in a theater for 2 hours waiting for a movie that never starts, but maybe they’ll be good sports about it. I was, even though I only received a DVD screener with pure static on it, not quite the same as spending $45 or however much a movie costs non-reviewer people. Truth-in-advertising laws forced them to title it thusly, but don’t expect that big fucking clue to keep people out of the theater. They mostly go just for a dark place to feel up their girlfriends or boyfriends, and this movie adequately fills the bill.

Perfect Stranger

I have to admit I was real excited for Bronson Pinchot’s big-screen return, and seeing the much-beloved character Balki one more. It turned out to be a hideous letdown. Pinchot hasn’t aged well, and I think they even had a stunt double doing the world-famous "Dance of Joy" in those scenes. I was heartbroken, after years of waiting to see the story of a sheep-loving immigrant who is stunned by American culture, a project so ripe for the bigscreen. Who would have believed last year’s documentary Borta would have so excellently told the same story? It certainly didn’t help that Cousin Larry held out for serious payola. Too many ingredients were missing, and too long had passed since Balki’s last visit. The magic has gone.

Are We Done, Yeti?

Now here’s a movie the guys can enjoy. Ice Cube, in quite convincing make-up, plays a Yeti with a taste for human blood. He befriends Ice T only so he can take him up to a secluded wooded area and hunt him for sport, but T is too smart for that, yo. We learn of Ice Cube’s real motivations in the opening sequences, when he hunts down rapper/actor Ice Box and carves him into a frozen treat. But things are different for Ice T, who hooks up with the only hunted game to ever escape the Yeti, Ice Pick. Together the two, with a little help from hitchhiker Ice Storm, turn the tables and make the Yeti their bitch. Oh, it is on!

Speaking of getting it on, I think they’re doing Scrabble shots down in the lounge, so I’m checking out of my bungalow for the rich intellectual nightlife of Cancun. Keep it reel, folks—no, that wasn’t a misspelling, it was a play on the terms real and reel.

April 9, 2007
It’s been a month since I last reviewed Hollywood’s latest films—but more importantly, it’s been a March. You all know what March means? Hollywood dumps its very worst on you. Even Hollywood has one night stands with directors and... (4/9/07)

April 2, 2007
Buenos Greetos, America! Do you know what time it is? No, I’m serious, somebody replaced my wall clock with half a live chicken and I have no idea what time it is. Come to think of it, I hope to hell that’s a whole live chicken with only the... (4/2/07)

March 12, 2007
It’s a new year, and I’m proud to inform you I’m no longer bagging groceries at the Safeway. They wanted to go in another direction, whatever that means. So now I volunteer at the local library, but I also help my mom with a lot of home... (3/12/07)

2006 Movies
Buenos Greetings, America! Roland McShyster here, back on the attack and off the crack! What better way to celebrate the months we’ve been apart than to round up the top flicks of the past year? 2006 was a busy year for movies, and though I know... (2/5/07)

2006 Movies
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006. … Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some... (1/15/07)