It’s been a month since I last reviewed Hollywood’s latest films—but more importantly, it’s been a March. You all know what March means? Hollywood dumps its very worst on you. Even Hollywood has one night stands with directors and actors it shouldn’t have, blitzed by whiskey shots and casual drug use, then has to admit, "What the fuck was I thinking?" when it relegates it’s comedies starring Ice Cube to a chilly March weekend release. It’s my absolute favorite time of the year, Christmas for the cynics. Let’s waste no time.

300

A big surprise to everyone, particularly those who made it, that this man-flesh fest would pack so many seats. Raking in a record-setting $70 million, the film proved to Hollywood that a March opening can actually make summer-sized profits, and that America’s male population is far more bi-curious than they would ever admit. Controversy surrounds the film, given it’s the story of a lone group of white men (well, Greeks) standing against the onslaught of countless Iranians (well, Persians). Also, it’s pretty bad, and the fact Iran would take it seriously at all should point to how little they think of Americans (well, they’re probably right).

Blades of Glory

Now here’s a movie for those audience members with their homophobia still firmly erected. Will Ferrell gives a command performance as Jim Carrey the ice skater, and inspires Olympic levels of heaving with his mugging to the camera and Will Ferrell-style antics. Napoleon Dynamite also co-stars in his latest obligatory film before being relegated to the winning question for the Trivial Pursuit pink pie piece in the forthcoming 2004 edition, "What was the name of that guy who did Napoleon Dynamite and disappeared?" This is the kind of film they don’t even let critics watch, and with any significant push in Geneva Conventions, they won’t be letting audiences watch them either.

TMNT

My guess is this is an insidious Disney plot: They release this horrid cock-grinder of a merchandising trailer around the same time they put out Meet the Robinsons and make the mediocrity of the latter look spellbinding in comparison. It is completely heartless, gutless, mindless, and anything-less you could think of. If they had cast Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Tom Arnold, and Andy Dick as the teen-aged mutant ninja turtles of the title they couldn’t have made them any shallower, aggravating, unlikable, and unbelievable. I know now there is no God, because if there was one he would have finished me off with a massive heart attack rather than let me sit through all 87 minutes of this detritus.

Grindhouse

Double your misery for the price of one over-priced movie ticket. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, the men who have brought us our be-T-shirted movie friends with encyclopedic knowledge of all garbage films ever, have combined forces for the most purposefully-directed schlock ever to hit the silver screen. It’s as if someone decided to adapt bad taste as a film, and then paid for it. It stars… aw, you know as well as I do there are no "stars" in it. If you want to see a star going to the grindhouse, you’re better off searching the audience.

That’s my round-up. Never before have so many little doggies been so deservedly hog-tied and branded. I just wish I weren’t speaking figuratively, and "doggies" meant "directors." Until the next last big cattle drive.

April 2, 2007
Buenos Greetos, America! Do you know what time it is? No, I’m serious, somebody replaced my wall clock with half a live chicken and I have no idea what time it is. Come to think of it, I hope to hell that’s a whole live chicken with only the... (4/2/07)

March 12, 2007
It’s a new year, and I’m proud to inform you I’m no longer bagging groceries at the Safeway. They wanted to go in another direction, whatever that means. So now I volunteer at the local library, but I also help my mom with a lot of home... (3/12/07)

2006 Movies
Buenos Greetings, America! Roland McShyster here, back on the attack and off the crack! What better way to celebrate the months we’ve been apart than to round up the top flicks of the past year? 2006 was a busy year for movies, and though I know... (2/5/07)

2006 Movies
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006. … Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some... (1/15/07)