The National commune Enthusiasts Club

Salutations, truth-hungry nation. I'm happier than a pig in excrement that the commune has gone back to a weekly schedule, and that I'm writing a correspondence for them for the first time in more than a year! Oh, speaking of the pig/excrement thing, I also want to sincerely thank commune columnist Omar Bricks for the bag of sandwiches he sent to all his fans during the long commune hiatus. I hear most of them are already out of the hospital, and those who aren't are well on their way to recovery. I have the same trouble remembering cooking rules—alfredo sauce is served hot, mayonnaise is cold. They can't really expect busy adventurers like us to keep up with such trivialities.

No one was more devastated than I when the commune mysteriously stopped publishing last year. I even had to mention it to most of the people I knew, then they pretended indifference, but I assure you I didn't have to pretend—devastated I was. Our faithful favorite website did that touching Six Feet Under-themed edition around last May, then poof! No commune! Just when I was hoping they would be moving on to a Boston Legal-themed edition, since I don't get cable and have never seen the other show.

All my queries to fearless editor Red Bagel were returned unopened, with little crudely drawn maps to pirate treasure on the envelopes. But I sought something more—the glib satisfaction I get from knowing I stayed informed with the world's most controversial and scoop-tastic alternative news site! Hmm. I guess it does kind of warrant laughing, to read it all laid out like that instead of just yelling it at city hall. Regardless, I was not going to take the disappearance of the commune lying down. I jumped onto the phone (quite literally, since I've been living without furniture in my apartment after losing my job last year) to organize all the individual commune Enthusiasts Clubs into one massive coalition to raise money, threaten the Illuminati, save the world through video games—to do anything, in short, to get the commune publishing again.

Well, stop me if you guessed where this is going: The Shanesly, Vermont commune Enthusiasts Club was the only club out there! I mean, I'm sure there are others, but they sure are hard to find. Not very well-organized.

So I've taken it upon myself, as the world's single biggest commune fan (though my friend Rudy with the crippling depression is starting to come around in a big way!) to form the world's first National commune Enthusiasts Club. Or NcEC, for those of you who like odd acronyms.

I actually did all this about 8 months ago, and I have to say the result has been really overwhelming. Or just whelming, maybe. We are getting responses, and not just from those pricks at the "Do Not Call" list headquarters. I have over 15 interested potential members already! Most of them have the same thing in common: A thirst for the undiluted truth, as only an anti-corporate website can deliver. They are also all single and live with a great number of cats, which I find curious. What is it about the commune and its many feline fanciers?

Whatever I did, even if it felt unproductive at that time, it's worked! The commune is back in business, and better than ever! Or maybe it could use some improvements, but that's hardly my call. However, if they do want any insightful critiques from me, they'll find me living in their very own local Flatbush, N.J. Y.M.C.A.

In all honesty, though, it's not as much fun as the song made it sound. I have to sleep very lightly to keep from getting a kidney stolen in the night. But what's a kidney as a price to pay, really? I have two of those, despite that awful Guillermo's insidious intentions; there's still only one commune.

The Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
I am the proud president and founder of the commune Enthusiasts Club, you all know this, but last week I was also the host of the grandest commune Enthusiasts Club meeting of all time. In addition to our usual roster, about 10 and counting, we also... (11/28/05)

The Sixth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
I really should consider changing the titles of these columns. The cEC (commune Enthusiasts Club, for all of you acronym-watchers!) has had way more than six meetings as of the time of this writing. About 125, according to my notes. Of course, only... (4/25/05)

The Fifth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
First off, my hearty congratulations for the commune's many recent successes. Sharp new look with the purple redesign—the new "Meet the Staff" page is excellent! And huge fans like us couldn't be happier with the return to a weekly schedule. Also,... (1/31/05)

The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
Faithful voyeurs, or as I like to call you, "reserve" commune Enthusiasts Club members, I'm thrilled to report the summer picnic of our little group was a resounding, unqualified success. As unqualified as Raoul Dunkin applying for a job in a... (9/6/04)