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12/27/25   
Rock the bloat

Nice Smile

by Violet Tiara
bio/email
March 19, 2007
Teeth made from beef
are a source of great grief
for Leif
and a thief
with the brief name of Queef.

Chewing with meat
is a feat
quite neat,
but a taste far from sweet
when heat
makes meat
excrete.

The Dentist,
an apprentice,
was a Chicagoland menace.
Making each venture
into dentures
an indentured adventure.
Making each meaty teeth-clencher
a thirst quencher
I'm then sure.

A mouth full of pork
would go well
in New York
when torque
from one's fork
would uncork the sound "Bjork!"

But teeth made from sow,
wow
far better than cow.
Much tougher to plow
through your chow
or mention the Tao
or murmur a wedding vow
with the beef teeth
you have now.

Even teeth fashioned
from lamb
or meat from a ram
or flesh from a clam
would hurt less
when you swam
and be less likely to jam
when you scream out "Damn!"
to the king of Siam.

Oh,
pardon me ma'am,
my name is Sam
and gram by gram
teeth made of yam
or molars of ham
would seem less of a scam
when I slam
this sham
"Wham!"
during my final exam.

But I y'am
what I y'am.
Though my breath
smells like Spam.
I y'am
what I y'am.
Though I smile like Vietnam.


Quote of the Day
“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. Touché.”

-Quentin Hillchurch
Fortune 500 Cookie
Happiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.


Try again later.
Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations
1.Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.Dosed with Nyquil—during daylight hours!
5.Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"
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