It’s a new year, and I’m proud to inform you I’m no longer bagging groceries at the Safeway. They wanted to go in another direction, whatever that means. So now I volunteer at the local library, but I also help my mom with a lot of home repair, which I might not get paid for, but I assure you is work. Of course, in my spare time, I review movies accurately (even superiorly) for the commune. Oh, look—I have the spare time now.

Ghost Rider

It’s about time somebody recognized the link between carnival people and demons of the underworld; unfortunately, this movie seems to make it out to be a good thing. Nicolas Cage, America’s first entirely comic book actor, has found a medium well-suited for him, as a scenery-chewing, Elvis-imitating, flaming-motorcycle-riding stunt driver who occasionally bursts into flames, laughs like a player in Reefer Madness, and beats the hell out of demons. Wait—demons are subject to earthly laws? Wow, the devil sucks. And so does director Mark Steven Johnson. The difference is, the devil knows the meaning of the word "subtlety."

The Number 23

Speaking of His Satanic Majesty, he appears as beloved actor Jim Carrey in this film. If you detest conspiracy movies, go and see this one and feel justified in your hatred. The most abstract and ridiculous coincidences become testament to Carrey’s insane number-counting obsession. Carrey worked for reduced pay because he really wanted to make this film, and no one wanted to pay him his usual salary; turns out he really believes in this stuff, but what can you expect of someone being actively courted by the Church of Scientology? They’ve got to be asking themselves how they let this guy slip by during his multi-million dollar heyday. Joel Schumacher, Satan’s personal foreskin, brings his personal touch of evil to a motion picture already headed toward a Wal-Mart 2-for-1 DVD pack.

Zodiac

Everyone has been begging David Fincher to show restraint in his filmmaking for ten years, and this is how he proves everyone wrong. Zodiac is dreary where the usual Fincher film is disgusting, methodical where Fincher is usually flashy, and ambiguous where all other Fincher movies are resolved. The wisdom of making a true-life drama of an unsolved case aside, I would say movies of unanswered questions only have any importance to us when they impact us all or remain unanswerable—but let’s face it: If they bag this guy tomorrow on some DNA evidence, this movie doesn’t even get a DVD release. It becomes an extra on an edition of American Justice you can order directly from A&E. For just once in my life I wish I was Roland McShyster, only so that I could tell you with clear conscience they catch the guy in the end of the movie and his name is Bob Zodiac. Being ethically retarded would certainly have its advantages, but no. *Sigh*

Wild Hogs

Another excellent mystery: What devious fiend in Hollywood thought John Travolta could again carry a movie, if only we hooked him up with three additional stooges? This is exactly the kind of movie that, ten years ago, would have been sent directly to Burt Reynolds or Clint Eastwood to star in; but nowadays Clint’s an auteur more than an actor, and Reynolds only answers the door when it smells like alcohol waiting. So Travolta quickly volunteered to play the role of the aging dullard going through a mid-life crisis, and he takes his other friends along, since they can no longer carry a movie by themselves either. Martin Lawrence is considerably less crazy in this movie, and as a result considerably less interesting, while William H. Macy defies the rumors about himself and proves he will take a movie role even without a good script or any complexity of character. Tim Allen is inexplicably present.

I’ve over-critiqued my welcome, no doubt the Hollywood elite would agree. But with a shovel this loaded, they couldn’t really expect me not to wallow in their mud. The studios do tend to dump a lot of sub-par movies in our theaters between January and May, "dump" being far too accurate a term. Enjoy their droppings.

2006 Movies
Buenos Greetings, America! Roland McShyster here, back on the attack and off the crack! What better way to celebrate the months we’ve been apart than to round up the top flicks of the past year? 2006 was a busy year for movies, and though I know... (2/5/07)

2006 Movies
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006. … Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some... (1/15/07)

2006 Oscarama!
What's that smell,... (3/27/06)

February 27, 2006
Thanks to the commune’s "New edition whenever we fucking feel like it" policy, I have the liberty of reviewing some theater-release movies, instead of my usual bottom-of-the-dregs DVD releases. But I’m going to skip that joy, since if you’re... (2/27/06)

January 16, 2006
Well hell to the "o," America, and welcome back to Entertain- ment Police. It’s a new year, we’re here and we’re queer, all except for the queer part. We here at Entertainment Police hope you had yourself a merry little whatever religion you... (1/16/06)