Floof Goofers

Though these words may appear to be written in modern English, rest assured they have been conveyed via thought concept and visual feedback, therefore appearing in your brain as your own native language. Trust this illusion only so far as it serves you to do so.

What follows is a concise and revelatory history of Teefsak, the planet more commonly but less correctly known as "Earth," and Zefro, the celestial overlord most responsible for Teefsak's tragic and frothy past. The Teefsak tragedy has gone down in the annals of galactic history as a tear-jerker of epochal proportions.

Seventy-five million years ago, give or take several weeks for Spacelight Savings Time, Teefsak was one of 76 planets in a Galactic Conformerancy known as D12. The ruler of the Conformerancy was Zefro, a tall, stern-looking gentleman with the letter "Z" shaved into his afro. For all other intents and purposes, Zefro greatly resembled Charlton Heston.

Zefro had proposed radical new ideas for the Conformerancy, including personal income taxes, passports, and collectable trading cards bearing the likeness of every citizen of the Conformerancy. In direct opposition to Zefro's radical policies stood Zefro's arch-nemesis, LouRawls. LouRawls was a loyal officer, dressed in off-white. Zefro was forced to call in Master Lord Chew, the Master Lord of the Conformerancy, to resolve this dispute. Chew looked exactly like a pig squeezed into a tuxedo. He is completely ugly and worthless. Chew says the Martians are invading and everyone should throw porridge at Zefro. Everyone cheers LouRawls and Zefro is made to dance naked in a telephone booth in front of the entire Conformerancy.

Zefro, disappointed, goes home and orders Doctor Snoot to robotize his mistress, Lady Man. "Depersonalize her with neurosurgery!" Zefro demands. Doctor Snoot accidentally robotizes Zefro's dog, Pooches, instead, and Lady Man escapes by not knowing any of this was going on and going to lunch. On the way to lunch, however, she crash lands Doctor Snoot's space Harley, which she had shoplifted, on the forest moon Smendor and lives there the rest of her life as the Queen of the Cats with Batfaces.

Meanwhile, Zefro is meeting with his most trusted conspirators on NotEarth, planning the immanent destruction of all that is good and oily. Zefro orders that all black people, the elderly and golfers be rounded up via space freighters and brought to Teefsak for "rewardation." Zefro's psychiatrist goons love their work only too much and also round up all the cosmetologists, the Dutch, homeowners, crossword puzzle enthusiasts, children between the ages of seven and ten, light sleepers, the underweight, doctors, show ponies, everyone living east of Kansas City, baseballers, disco musicians, the large of hair, craps junkies, anyone over six feet tall, sailors, presidents, watchmakers, reggae fans and oakies as well.

All are drugged and brought to Teefsak, and strapped to volcanoes for safekeeping. Atomic bombs are stored nearby in case they are needed. But suddenly, and without prior warning, Zefro goofs the floof and orders that all the atomic bombs be detonated! The result would not make a very nice card from Hallmark.

Zefro would later be defeated by LouRawls after a colossal and exciting space battle where at the end Zefro tried to go for his secret hidden gun but LouRawls kicked it away and said "That's just like you, Zefro. But not this time. You are hereby sentenced to imprisonment in a mountain sustained for eons by life support."

And that's where Zefro remains today. So let that be a lesson to us all. Send me $59,000 if you want to know what the lesson is.

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