2006 Movies

It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.

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Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.



Borat

Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the over-promotion—even if you didn’t want to go all the way to the theater to see the movie, you could still see more than half of the charmless humor distilled through a barrage of short commercials, TV talk show appearances, and YouTube blitzes. Ahh, Borat. Me thinks thou art not quite so ignorant of America.

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest

Also highly touted as "the movie that beat Superman." But Superman is hardly that tough, considering how easily they killed him for a quick buck in the 1990s. I have to admit, I didn’t see this movie, but I saw the first one, and I threw up on the ride, and I hear it’s amazingly accurate to the source material. Johnny Depp continues his wondrous acting process of doing whatever the hell he wants on camera in total disregard to the screenplay.

Letters From Iwo Jima

A highly lauded movie, beloved by critics everywhere in 2006 for telling us what has been secret knowledge until now: The people we kill in a war are people, too. Perhaps if Clint Eastwood were a little more daring we could have seen a movie about the movie we’re fighting now, but we were lucky to get a film about everybody’s favorite war, WWII, and the opposition’s brave attempts to not get killed. Groundbreaking. At least it wasn’t another rah-rah "kill the Japs" film like we’re used to. Oh, wait, we got that, too—Eastwood also served up the less acclaimed Flags of Our Fathers, so we could sit through a guilt-inspiring movie about the yellow threat easier having just ridden high on the testosterone of a familiar war movie. One of these days they’ll make a stunning movie about the war in Iraq. Oh, wait, I forgot—we only want to make movies about wars where we can claim the moral highground. Maybe they’ll make a sitcom about it then.

World Trade Center/Flight 93

I’m not actually reviewing these movies, just dredging up the awful spectre of the 9/11 movies that have finally come home to roost in 2006. You’ve got to admire the class of Hollywood, waiting a full five years before capitalizing on the misery of America’s most heartbreaking tragedy. At this rate we’re bound to get a Katrina movie by the end of 2008—and the special effects will harden your testicles like quarry rock, trust me. But all criticism aside, these movies make great, bold statements about the events of September 11, 2001: What a damn shame. I’m not sure if there’s really any more to get out of them, but hey, what do you want from the best movies of the year? Complex problems studied in a fractal format to increase our understanding and create a sympathy for their victims? Not very likely to fit cliché dialogue and massive CGI building explosions in that kind of movie, I’ll tell you now.

So let us put the past behind us. In fact, if it’s not too much to ask, let’s put 2007 behind us as well now. I don’t think we’ll be missing much in the entertainment field.

2006 Oscarama!
What's that smell,... (3/27/06)

February 27, 2006
Thanks to the commune’s "New edition whenever we fucking feel like it" policy, I have the liberty of reviewing some theater-release movies, instead of my usual bottom-of-the-dregs DVD releases. But I’m going to skip that joy, since if you’re... (2/27/06)

January 16, 2006
Well hell to the "o," America, and welcome back to Entertain- ment Police. It’s a new year, we’re here and we’re queer, all except for the queer part. We here at Entertainment Police hope you had yourself a merry little whatever religion you... (1/16/06)

December 12, 2005
Another year comes to a close for the non- moronic side of the Entertainment Police (no disrespect to my non-movie-watching associate) and I, for one, look forward to putting the misery behind me. So let’s get to the films and save on gab time. ... (12/12/05)