Thanks to the commune’s "New edition whenever we fucking feel like it" policy, I have the liberty of reviewing some theater-release movies, instead of my usual bottom-of-the-dregs DVD releases. But I’m going to skip that joy, since if you’re mentally unbalanced enough to rush out and see Final Destination 3 at the theater you probably can’t read reviews anyway, and I’m going to expose the "best of the rest"—the Oscar nominees for Best Picture.

Brokeback Mountain
This is the favorite to win, believe it or not. Normally I would be happy to jump all over homosexual undertones in a film, but these aren’t undertones. These aren’t even overtones. We’re talking full-blown (pardon the expression) guy-on-guy action. Actually, it’s arty enough to avoid being classified as hardcore gay porn, but a pretty boring chick flick despite the hype. Replace Jake Gyllenhaal with Kirsten Dunst you’ve practically got a cowboy Jerry Maguire. But enough about Truman Prudy’s fantasies. There’s slightly less homosexual movies to review.

Good Night, and Good Luck
A stark and powerful look at George Clooney in black and white, and David Strathairn, whose name looks made up, does a more convincing job of playing Edward R. Murrow than stock footage of Morrow himself. None of this makes it enjoyable. Plus, movies never when when they use a comma in the title. It’s a fact. And this is nothing but a dreary liberal response of outrage to Fox News, the whole point of which really seems to be to beat the fact in that the people of Wisconsin elected a real prick in Joe McCarthy. What was going on in Wisconsin anyway? Maybe he socked away the dairy vote.

Crash
The film seeks to be a deep and meaningful look at race relations, and is slightly more successful than an episode of Diff’rent Strokes. Maybe it’s noble with intentions, but it takes a more skillful hand to make entertainment out of material like this—The Passion of the Christ was more comfortable viewing than this bleak and cynical cinematic diatribe. At least they tried to make it more humorous by casting Sandra Bullock in a dramatic role.

Munich
Ah, here’s easier subject matter to embrace—terrorism and anti-Semitism. Spielberg covers Israel’s revenge plot with the sheer intensity he brought to his last harrowing tale of the plight of the Jewish people, E.T. Spielberg tells the personal tale of Israel with the least Jewish actor in Australia. For all its flaws, infinite though they seem, Spielberg tells both sides of the story, Israel’s and the terrorists. He just fails miserably in the latter.

Capote
I don’t care if it was nominated. Nobody saw it, no one really cares. I’ve wasted enough time already.

Walk the Line
Now this is a movie! Hot off last year’s success of Ray, Hollywood goes after another big-time music legend for its Oscar jeans-creaming. Joaquin Phoenix (pronounced "Jok-a-Ling Fan-wish"… those fucking weird-ass Hollywood names) does a better job with the singing than Jamie Foxx did with lip-synching this year, but who wants to try to pronounce his name in front of millions of people? They’ll give an Oscar to Reese What’s-her-spoon and drop the Johnny Cash movie into the ring of fire.

Wasn’t that fun? Imagine how much more enjoyable it will be when I’m reviewing the most despicable trash out at the theaters currently. I consider it my personal mission to keep your money away from Hollywood. Good night, and go to hell.

January 16, 2006
Well hell to the "o," America, and welcome back to Entertain- ment Police. It’s a new year, we’re here and we’re queer, all except for the queer part. We here at Entertainment Police hope you had yourself a merry little whatever religion you... (1/16/06)

December 12, 2005
Another year comes to a close for the non- moronic side of the Entertainment Police (no disrespect to my non-movie-watching associate) and I, for one, look forward to putting the misery behind me. So let’s get to the films and save on gab time. ... (12/12/05)

November 28, 2005
Gutentang, Americana. Everybody’s favorite Roland McShyster is here, wheeling and dealing out the movie reviews like you so lustily desire. We’re going to try something new this week: brushing our teeth with dish soap. Though I guess that "we"... (11/28/05)

November 7, 2005
Can’t talk. Too many movies. Choking on own bile. On to the reviews. Now on DVD: Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Here it is at last: The end of George Lucas’ career. The quote/unquote "final" installment in the... (11/7/05)