Raters of the Lost Arc

Admit it: you'd kick your own mother in the cooch to find out what the hell is going on with ABC's Lost, only your mother won't let you anywhere near her after you slammed her head in that sliding glass door to find out who killed Laura Palmer. Have no fear, violent reader; the commune is here for you. If not to give out answers, then to at least share your confusion in a public forum.

I've been asked to serve as the commune's television expert this week, both because I haven't written anything in a while (let he without slack cast the first stone) and nobody else here knows dick about TV. Commune answer hole Griswald Dreck refuses to watch television at all on the grounds of haughty condescension, which is similar to Orson Welch's excuse that he hates everyone and without the confining effect of a movie theater audience is highly likely to physically attack the television. That leaves Roland McShyster and me, and I got the assignment after Roland asked somebody in the office if Fish Police won any Emmys this year.

So here we are, mightily confused and alone after last week's stunning episode, when things finally turned ugly on headshot island, a place populated entirely by beautiful castaways and Hurley. Sawyer fucked everybody, which we were all waiting for, some of us more literally than others. And it looks like Charlie fucked the duck again, following up his previous week's freak-out with the highly-effective reconciliatory strategy of total, apeshit betrayal. This guy makes such consistently shitty decisions, he should have a position in the Bush Administration.

We had more topless Sawyer this week, which reminds me of something I needed to say to all the women out there who were bitching about actor Josh Holloway's "nothing special" physique: obviously none of you have ever seen a real man naked before. Trust me, most of the time it's like something out of Alien Autopsy. But it is refreshing to see that men aren't the only ones with insane concepts of physical beauty these days.

In the recap at the beginning of this latest episode, they made sure to flash back to footage of Captain Otherbeard warning the Losties to stay off his half of the island, which makes me think they must have carnival rides or something fun over on the other side. If it's just more island shit, palm trees and crazy people with accents, I'm gonna be pissed off.

Probably the most amazing thing about the people who survived the plane crash is that these are the only people on earth who could meet up with a gang that's been living on bizarre-o island for God knows how long, talk to them, and still not learn a damned thing about the dozens of mysteries that have been perplexing everyone for months now. But it was established long ago that our castaways subscribe to the "Loose Lips Sink Ships" doctrine, a 1940's slogan about venereal disease originally meant to warn men that sleeping with slutty women would, in all likelihood, make their penises fall off, but now applied mostly to not investigating mysteries or telling anyone what's going on, including the viewers of the show.

So what now? Well, I can tell you one thing. Don't watch The Island expecting any answers, since that turned out to be one of those "spin off" movies that doesn't really have much to do with the original show. I still need to punch Roland McShyster in the throat for recommending that one to me.

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