Well hell to the "o," America, and welcome back to Entertain- ment Police. It’s a new year, we’re here and we’re queer, all except for the queer part. We here at Entertainment Police hope you had yourself a merry little whatever religion you are, and how. But now let’s waste no more time wasting time, and get to the new movie reviews!

Brokeback Mountin’
Perhaps it’s a sign of our oblivious times that Universal had to go so far out of their way to advertise Brokeback Mountin’ as a gay cowboy movie, including the ever-present "It’s a gay cowboy movie" t-shirts everyone has been wearing around town this month. I mean, come on. It’s called Brokeback Mountin’.

That’s the gayest movie name since… I lied; there’s never been a movie name anywhere near that gay before. Even the best runners-up, like Shaft and Backbeat, pale like a straight man watching gay cowboys in comparison. The people who needed this pointed out to them are the same people who were shocked to find out Liberace was gay, and who had their worlds rocked by the news that Elton John samples from both sides of the buffet.

But how was the movie? Do you even need to ask? Hands down, the best gay cowboy movie since the premature ejaculation masterpiece 8 Seconds.

Fun with Dick and Jane
Jane Fonda’s latest sex how-to video is the most depressing thing I’ve seen since her last one, See Jane Dick. What makes this one worse is I can’t figure out why they released it in the theaters. Not that the Olsen Twins’ low-rent VHS route to Hollywood isn’t well-worn, but I’m terrified by the image of a theater full of people trying to follow along with Jane’s on-screen instructions for copulation. Thankfully, I saw it in a theater full of movie critics, a group that by definition lost interest in sex long ago. But I’m worried about the rest of our non-movie-reviewing populace. There’s a time and a place for this kind of thing, people, and it’s in our schools, around the third grade.

Keen Kong
Everybody loves a hip giant monkey from the Far East in this latest rip-off of the Grape Ape cartoon. Sure, he knows karate, but will that even matter if he hasn’t got what it takes to make it in cutthroat Manhattan? I don’t know, because the fucking movie was twelve hours long. I’m not kidding, I had to go in the bathroom and change clothes in the middle. At one point I watched a whole other movie while I was taking a break from this one. No wonder the tickets cost more than Woodstock ’94.

I will say in the movie’s favor, however, that right before I left to get a haircut during the intermission, while they were letting the projector cool down, right before then there was one of the better dinosaur kung-fu scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie. That, and I must admit it was fun to run around the movie theater while it was closed overnight during the middle third of the movie.

The Lying Bitch in the Worn Robe
The first installment of comedian Lewis C.K.’s bitter epic has finally made it to the big screen, slathered in enormous amounts of CGI for no apparent reason. The end result isn’t as much fun as eating ice cream, but it’s not as bad as eating tofutti, either. It lands somewhere in the middle there.


That’s all he wrote, America. I hope you enjoyed the first EP of the new year, and that the tone it has set for 2006 is greatastic. Until next time, America, you’re one in a million. Which means, in the American population, you’re one in 297. That’s special.

December 12, 2005
Another year comes to a close for the non- moronic side of the Entertainment Police (no disrespect to my non-movie-watching associate) and I, for one, look forward to putting the misery behind me. So let’s get to the films and save on gab time. ... (12/12/05)

November 28, 2005
Gutentang, Americana. Everybody’s favorite Roland McShyster is here, wheeling and dealing out the movie reviews like you so lustily desire. We’re going to try something new this week: brushing our teeth with dish soap. Though I guess that "we"... (11/28/05)

November 7, 2005
Can’t talk. Too many movies. Choking on own bile. On to the reviews. Now on DVD: Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Here it is at last: The end of George Lucas’ career. The quote/unquote "final" installment in the... (11/7/05)

October 24, 2005
Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead. ... (10/24/05)