Another year comes to a close for the non- moronic side of the Entertainment Police (no disrespect to my non-movie-watching associate) and I, for one, look forward to putting the misery behind me. So let’s get to the films and save on gab time.


Fantastic Four
It did bear some resemblance to the original comic book, in as much as the film was also static and didn’t appear to move much. But while the comic book was fun and imaginative, if you’re into those sort of things, the film was standard and sleep-inducing. Five astronauts, all related and therefore probably from some sort of "Southern NASA" space program, go into space, screw things up, and end up more powerful for it. Only in comic books can an idiot be rewarded for his mistakes. You don’t see the captain of the Exxon Valdez out there shooting oil at criminals, do you? But the film could be forgiven those annoying clichés if it had the least little bit of originality to it. Nope. Bad guy goes boom on them, they go boom back, good guys win and wear ridiculous outfits to show school spirit. My only problem with the sequel is, will it be called Fantastic 42? We could be into some serious number issues to tax the American moviegoer next time.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin
And what, exactly, is so funny about a 40-year-old virgin? Maybe he’s just too absorbed in his work to go out and have wild sex parties. Maybe he’s yet to meet his intellectual equal. You know what? Forget it. Movies this insulting to a perfectly respectable demographic of our country aren’t even worth reviewing. Complete garbage. Starring that guy from TV’s crappy American The Office.

The Wedding Crashers
Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson, two guys who couldn’t carry movies by themselves, are tossed together as business associates who attend weddings to pick up women. A real raucous comedy with a heart of tin, Wedding Crashers is the kind of enduring romantic comedy like 40 Days and 40 Nights that Hollywood aims right for the sweet spot of 18-34 year-old males— yep, you got it: Their wallets. The chemistry is alright, though. Maybe if they had gone the whole Brokeback Mountain route with these two they might have made an interesting movie. Perhaps we’ll see it in the sequel, Wedding Crashers 2: Ass Crashers.

The Island
Here’s a real Christmas gift to all of you who hate movies: A Michael Bay sci-fi flick that seeks to destroy the careers of two of Hollywood’s biggest up-and-coming stars. Ewan MacGregor, sans lightsaber, and Scarlett Johansson, sans Lost in Translation underpants, are clones of complete doorknobs who attempt to escape cloneworld and come to live among the rest of us. They are clearly third-rate clones if they think there’s anything here worth joining us for. And I wish they really were clones, it would explain why they agreed to work with Michael Bay. Maybe it explains Johnny Depp’s current Pirates of the Carribean phase, too.


Happy New Year, America. If you find me wrapped under your tree this year, please leave me there. I’ve had a rough one and would like all the sleep I can get. And just for your information, whoever’s been pasting my picture on that poster for The 40-Year-Old Virgin around the offices… I happen to have a lot of girlfriends. They all work at different websites, okay?

November 28, 2005
Gutentang, Americana. Everybody’s favorite Roland McShyster is here, wheeling and dealing out the movie reviews like you so lustily desire. We’re going to try something new this week: brushing our teeth with dish soap. Though I guess that "we"... (11/28/05)

November 7, 2005
Can’t talk. Too many movies. Choking on own bile. On to the reviews. Now on DVD: Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Here it is at last: The end of George Lucas’ career. The quote/unquote "final" installment in the... (11/7/05)

October 24, 2005
Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead. ... (10/24/05)

October 10, 2005
I have a long list of things I would rather do than review movies like the following, but unfortunately, none of them pay anything. Trust me, every week I check again. Eating chocolate? Nope. Masturbating? Nope. Getting kicked in the nuts with... (10/10/05)