Gutentang, Americana. Everybody’s favorite Roland McShyster is here, wheeling and dealing out the movie reviews like you so lustily desire. We’re going to try something new this week: brushing our teeth with dish soap. Though I guess that "we" really depends on whether or not you’re one of the people who had that same idea this week. If so, good luck! I hear it gets a lot better after you get your gag reflex under control. Me, personally, I’m starting to think I picked a lousy week to start brushing my teeth.


Get Rick or Die Tryin’
Run, leap, and ass-scoot your way to the theater now while you can still catch this harrowing inner-city tale of rapper 50-Cents (played by rapper Eminem in stunning blackface) trying to pick up his brother Rick from the mall but there’s no parking. Auntie Em’s (an excellent nickname I’ve just now coined) refreshingly acting-free performance gives the film its central nuts, but the true star is that mall parking lot, which is really big and really, really full of cars. I don’t know if they had to use the CGI team from Antz in Pantz or if they just filmed all of Southern California from space, but they definitely got a lot of cars into that lot. Look for the next ride at Universal Studios to play off this thrill-monster, with two gripping hours of the dude driving around, trying to find a place to park the tram.

Jarhead
Leave it to George Lucas to fuck us all in the ass. Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to start a movie review with that sentence. But this time it really applies, as Lucas has finally shat the inevitable and dreaded Jar-Jar Binks spin-off movie into our laps, allowing the big G to remain safely ensconced within his Star Wars universe for the foreseeable future. Get ready to hate the next several spin-offs in the works, including "Han’s Having a Baby," "Wedge Anilles’ Last Stand," "Jabba Gets a Job," and "Droid Annoyed" scheduled every four years from now until the merciful end of the world.

Legend of Gonzo
At first I thought Antonio Banderas was a questionable answer to the question of "Who should play Gonzo, Antonio Bandearas or what?" But then I saw the original Mask of Gonzo. That movie was so long that I forgot the question for nearly three years, and by then I had forgotten the movie so I wasn’t at all sure if Banderas had done a good Gonzo job or not and I didn’t much care because I had discovered Dippin’ Dots, this space age super-frozen ice cream that you can only get at the mall or the place where they froze Walt Disney’s head. Now I have to ask the question again, because I’m sure there are a lot of great actors out there with huge noses and/or purple felt skin who would have been naturals for the role. Not that Banderas did a bad job, he just did a terrible job. My wait for a great Gonzo movie continues.

Shopgirl
You’ve got to admit, Steve Martin took a huge risk in directing a movie spin-off of Tool Time from Home Improvement and in casting Claire Danes as the bimbo. It could have turned out to be a giant disaster, and it did. Sadly for all involved in the watching, Martin’s leap of faith sailed just five inches to the left of genius, where it landed squarely in regrettable. Merely starting over completely from scratch could have made all the difference, though, so keep your eyes out for Martin’s next harebrained idea: it could be a winner.

The Whether Man
Nicholas "Pileggi" Cage is greatific in this, the finest movie that will ever be made about a guy who can’t make up his mind about anything. I know that’s a big statement, encompassing all future events in the existence of mankind and all, but I’m that confident no one is reading this column. Cage employs both of his acting modes "SURPRISED" and "BEFUDDLED" in this role, which should earn him either an Oscar or a Husker, the customary award for going both ways. As for the film itself, the plot wasn’t so memorable that I retained it in my brain in any way, but every time the sky was shown in this movie, it was uniformly blue and beautiful, which is more than I can say about any film made before 1930.


So that’s the agony and the ecstasy, America, but excuse me if I sound a bitter bit when I say the X ran out long before it got down to my row. Here’s hoping you’re doing the high life, not doing life high, and until next week and maybe even then, I’m Roland McShyster.

November 7, 2005
Can’t talk. Too many movies. Choking on own bile. On to the reviews. Now on DVD: Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Here it is at last: The end of George Lucas’ career. The quote/unquote "final" installment in the... (11/7/05)

October 24, 2005
Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead. ... (10/24/05)

October 10, 2005
I have a long list of things I would rather do than review movies like the following, but unfortunately, none of them pay anything. Trust me, every week I check again. Eating chocolate? Nope. Masturbating? Nope. Getting kicked in the nuts with... (10/10/05)

September 26, 2005
Guapo, America! Not sure what that means, but it seemed like the thing to say. I hope you’re all enjoying your useless lives, as am I. We’ve got a full slate of new movies to ogle this week, so I shall waste no more time with the time wastery.... (9/26/05)

September 19, 2005
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not... (9/19/05)