Can’t talk. Too many movies. Choking on own bile. On to the reviews.

Now on DVD:

Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Here it is at last: The end of George Lucas’ career. The quote/unquote "final" installment in the Star Wars series, at least until ten years more of anonymity and misty-eyed recollections on the original trilogy bring Lucas to write three more, sandwiched somewhere between the first Star Wars and Lucas’ days as a geeky college student. I believe Lucas opted for the subtitle "Revenge of the Sith" because you couldn’t put "Shitloads of Lightsaber Fights" on the posters. Believe me, even the diehard fans will get sick of the constant onslaught of fights. How atrocious is the dialogue? Not as bad as the last two, but you would think playwright Tom Stoppard could come up with something more clever than, "Nooooooooo!" when Vader realizes what he’s done to everyone he loves. Oh, well. At least I won’t be encountering any more Wookiiee costumes for a while when I go to the movies.

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
Tim Burton, best know for his subtlety and reserve in telling a story, unleashes a big fat jawbreaker of a film on an audience who no longer care about a story, but just want to see goofy costumes and ludicrous props. Johnny Depp continues his neverending run of performing spectacles, which is at least enjoyable for itself, even if it has nothing to do with the story and doesn’t support the film. There are also tons of annoying kids we’re allowed to hate, and one that we’re supposed to like, but that doesn’t quite work out. It did send me back to the refreshment counter a few dozen times, so it’s a success by Hollywood standards. Mmm! Wonkalicious.

House of Wax
When your movie is written as a vehicle for Paris Hilton, you know you’re fucked. Pardon my Hollywood. I could go into the acting, the predictability of the plot, the complete lack of likeability and utter contemptibility of all the characters… but I won’t. Actually, I already did. Suffice to say there is not one positive thing in this film, outside of Paris Hilton getting killed, and even that’s fake so it’s a letdown. If you put a shining, rat-infested turd on the screen it would improve this film immensely. If the film had been made in Iran, the director would have had his hands cut off. I’m still considering going after him myself.

Madagascar
Yawn. Computer-generated animals with celebrity voices, blah blah blah. A bunch of animals run away from the zoo and learn to be friends and work together and some sort of crap. Still, for lost on a desert island movies, it was better than Lost, since it did eventually end. Otherwise unremarkable. In fact, I wish I hadn’t remarked on it. I could have spent a more productive few lines of column by describing the smell of my farts. Sort of a burnt orange, if I had to find a description. But let’s not waste any more time with this than the filmmakers did.


That’s all for now. Tune in next time and I’ll give you all the highlights of Spielberg’s new War of the Worlds. Here’s a preview:

October 24, 2005
Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead. ... (10/24/05)

October 10, 2005
I have a long list of things I would rather do than review movies like the following, but unfortunately, none of them pay anything. Trust me, every week I check again. Eating chocolate? Nope. Masturbating? Nope. Getting kicked in the nuts with... (10/10/05)

September 26, 2005
Guapo, America! Not sure what that means, but it seemed like the thing to say. I hope you’re all enjoying your useless lives, as am I. We’ve got a full slate of new movies to ogle this week, so I shall waste no more time with the time wastery.... (9/26/05)

September 19, 2005
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not... (9/19/05)