Yola, America. Roland McShyster here, there and every- where, like the Buggles used to say. Are you ready for a new week’sworth of exciting new releases? Too bad, too bad. Let’s see how you like another weekload of the normal bullshit instead.


Elizabethtown
You ever meet a girl who thinks the whole world revolves around her? Well, thankfully not all of them are like that: a few have more humble aspirations, only manifesting their egomania on the local level. Hence the case with Kirsten Dunstin’s character Elizabeth in Elizabethtown, who believes an entire podunk Kentucky town revolves around her. The only one who agrees is the gay guy from Pirates of the Queer Bean, who carries around a sword in this movie for no apparent reason. So is the movie enjoyable? Hard to say. Is it as enjoyable as throwing peanut M&Ms at the boy scouts sitting in the front row? Most certainly not.

A History of Violins
The guy who played heroic king Eric Orn in the Lords of the Ring trilogy is back in a film that’s half really boring documentary about how they make violins, and half ass-kicking good time about how to beat the shit out of a bunch of people with a violin after they come into your music store and demand sheet music for the score from Armageddon. Some may call the film dyslexic, but I call it Pete. I don’t know, just looked like a Pete to me. The other guy is played by the polack from that funny Polack film a few years back about how many polacks it takes to paint the floor.

Serenity
It’s exceedingly rare that a television show is made into a successful big-budget film, but Serenity is the rare exception that proves the rule. Granted, we are talking about one of the most successful TV shows of all time here. But few would have guessed that the first Seinfeld spin-off movie would focus on George Costanza’s dad and his weird "Serenity Now!" cult religion, so it was still a gamble. The producers hit a bunch of sixes, or however you win at gambling, with this one though, since I was glued to my seat for every frame, and only partially because I sat in some tacky combination of nacho cheese and half-dried Mr. Pibb. The film delivers the laughs, though with a few surprises mixed into the batter. Don’t be shocked toward the end of the film when Costanza flips his kibbles and starts kicking everyone’s ass in a dress, but I won’t say any more than that for fear of giving away the film’s thrilling finale.

Two for the Money
Al Pacino’s next and all future movies should just be called Being Al Pacino, since then screenwriters wouldn’t have to muck around with thinking up new names for their Al Pacino characters. Al’s back, and he’s Paci-no different that he has been in his last eighty-seven films. But is that a bad thing? Only if you don’t like furious nose breathing. Histrionics fans will enjoy this tale of a flashy guy who dares to suggest that having loose morals and a giant ego are good things, for only the four thousandth time in film history. That bit of redundancy having been pointed out, Two for the Money is still the best movie about alpaca breeding you’re ever likely to see.


And that’s a wrap mogul, ladies and gentlemen; hope you enjoyed this bird’s eye view into the current theater scene. Join us again next week when protégé Orson Welch will thrill you with his own brand of movie hate in his other-weekly column Jewel of the Bile.

October 10, 2005
I have a long list of things I would rather do than review movies like the following, but unfortunately, none of them pay anything. Trust me, every week I check again. Eating chocolate? Nope. Masturbating? Nope. Getting kicked in the nuts with... (10/10/05)

September 26, 2005
Guapo, America! Not sure what that means, but it seemed like the thing to say. I hope you’re all enjoying your useless lives, as am I. We’ve got a full slate of new movies to ogle this week, so I shall waste no more time with the time wastery.... (9/26/05)

September 19, 2005
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not... (9/19/05)

September 12, 2005
Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling... (9/12/05)