Gordo Granger's Weight Loss Bible

Take the biggest shit possible before getting on the scales. Begin to think of your ass as a "fat exit ramp."

Avoid fattening foods, like Jell-O.

The human body is made up of over 90% water. Cut the bloat by avoiding water-retaining foods like celery and iceberg lettuce, also known as "the fatmakers."

If pregnant, try to give birth before weighing yourself. Babies are heavier than you'd expect. Talk about SlimFast!

If you're really serious about losing weight, try to avoid getting pregnant altogether. Most women have a hard time losing weight while pregnant.

If you're on a strict weight-loss diet and are still feeling hungry, try eating things that aren't food. Rocks, Lego blocks and balled-up sweat socks will all fill your stomach just as full as a steak dinner, and your body doesn't know they're indigestible.

If dieting doesn't seem to be working, try stapling your face shut. If food can't get into your body, it can't make you fat. Please be careful not to confuse this with the controversial and discredited practice of ass-stapling, since fashioning your digestive track into a cul-de-sac can often lead to severe weight gain.

Consider having any gimpy or unused limbs removed. The corresponding weight loss may afford you enough leeway to enjoy an ice cream treat!

Try switching from calorie-heavy dark beers to elk piss. Not only is it low in carbs and calories, but elk piss is also so disgusting you'll likely drink it less often than you would beer.

Don't go shopping on an empty stomach. You may accidentally eat some cat food.

Don't ever feed your cat on an empty stomach.

Hang out with the fattest friends you can find. Heavy competition for sustenance will mean less food for you, and you'll be friending the pounds away before you know it.

Avoid eating fat-heavy animals like pigs, cows and manatees. Vary your diet by eating more inspiring slim-meats like gazelle, cheetah, flamingo and rattlesnake. Beware that eating blowfish may lead to sudden weight gain.

Nature makes you fat, which is why fat camps never work. Stay indoors, and avoid extraneous movements that may attract fat molecules.

Try to watch more TV shows starring thin people, and avoid fat music like Fats Domino, Chubby Checker, the Fat Boys, and Seal.

Sleep more, since it's hard to eat fattening foods while you're asleep.

Laughter is one of the most effective means of weight loss. Try laughing as often as possible, regardless of the social situation or whether or not you're in the bathroom.

Consider the slimming effects of a legal name change. Just because your parents burdened you with a "fat name" like Bertha, Rotunda, Albert, Satchmo or Steve doesn't mean you're doomed to take up two seats in coach forever. Say goodbye to Judy and Dom, and say hello to Trixie, Heather, Dikembe and Lance.

Having a good personality is nice, but it won't make you any less fat. Stay focused.

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