I have a long list of things I would rather do than review movies like the following, but unfortunately, none of them pay anything. Trust me, every week I check again. Eating chocolate? Nope. Masturbating? Nope. Getting kicked in the nuts with pointed-toe boots? Well, yes, but Steve-O has that market cornered. I suppose this is my niche. So let’s niche the crap out of it.

In Theaters:

The Interpreter
A sharp, taut, tense, nail-biting, thrills-a-minute suspense movie would’ve been a drastic improvement over this by-the-numbers political thriller. Sean Penn stretches his range as a guy not interested in politics and Nicole Kidman plays a woman of some sort. Causes of the day are tossed about and a dozen near-misses are sewn in to make a smart Hitchcockian film more cock than hitch. I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but it’s a good one—it does end.

Kingdom of Heaven
Orlando Bloom is the most attractive man ever to fight the Crusades. About as edgy as a rusted butterknife, the film imposes this-minute morality on a time period which could have really been examined for deep meaning in today’s political environment, had it been examined by a human being rather than a soulless Hollywood tool. But this is not war and remembrance, it’s hack and slash, blood spatter, body parts flying through the air, and long, long, lingering close-ups on actors to convey how sad it is when millions of people die in vain. Shucks, that’s just awful. And so is the film.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
How do the pants fit the fat girl? C’mon, Hollywood, I need better science in my pre-teen coming of age dramas. Ah, screw it. So it’s sentimental clap trap targeting young female movie-goers—no surprise there. But one more movie this lousy clogs up my local cinema and I, too, will be targeting young female movie-goers. With a high-powered assault rifle. Nothing personal. I just will not attend a theater that will draw an audience like the kind who flock to see this movie. These pants are shoddily made.

Kicking and Screaming
I’ll take "The Only Way You’ll Get Me into Another Will Ferrell Movie" for 1,000, Alex. Captures all the edge-of-your-seat thrills of soccer along with the intellectual brilliance of every Saturday Night Live sketch ever. On another quick note, director Jesse Dylan is the son of the world-famous Bob Dylan. Talent apparently not only skips a generation, but works like reverse karma on your kids. I expect to hear more from Jesse Dylan soon, like on an episode of Biography, talking about how his dad was always too busy with his music to teach him anything about storytelling.


That’s it for me. I could amaze you with some clever departing wisdom, but I fear this string of movies has succeeded in making me semi-retarded. I can still wash windows and pump gas—they’re designed to leave menial labor skills intact, I believe—but doing much else is extremely difficult. Maybe I can recover by next edition if I give up watching film altogether until then. Wish me luck.

September 26, 2005
Guapo, America! Not sure what that means, but it seemed like the thing to say. I hope you’re all enjoying your useless lives, as am I. We’ve got a full slate of new movies to ogle this week, so I shall waste no more time with the time wastery.... (9/26/05)

September 19, 2005
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not... (9/19/05)

September 12, 2005
Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling... (9/12/05)

September 5, 2005
Once again there’s slim pickings on the first-release movie DVD front. I’ll cover a few, then pad out this column with a few quick TV-on-DVD releases. Has Hollywood become so abysmally dead for material they have to let the small screen supply... (9/5/05)