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01/9/25   
Your secretest Santa

by Orson Welch
bio/email
September 19, 2005
As America struggles to cope with the hype of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, Hollywood is doing its part by sending a slew of new DVD releases our way. We’ve got old films, we’ve got TV series by the bundle, and we’ve got new films even. Not that many, but enough so I don’t have to pad out my intro. So let’s see the line-up.

Now on DVD:

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Britain’s charming sci-fi parody novel that broke all the rules in its making has been made into a movie that breaks all attempts to break any rules. Passable and forgettable, the movie is more like Cliff’s Notes for those too lazy to read a 200-page novel. You get all the cleverest jokes, diluted and slapsticky for today’s movie audiences, and the movie doesn’t waste its time getting into human nature in the slightest. Oh, and the romance is tacked on so you hardly even notice how flimsy it is to the premise. Oh, goody.

Mindhunters
Any more by-the-numbers a thriller would look like a learn-to-count film for preschoolers. A group of FBI behavioral profilers are caught in a game of mouse-and-mouse with a movie-style psychopath, who’s quite clever and just wants to torment them, even if it would be easier and more psychopath-like to just attack them and cut them to pieces. How long did this movie sit on a studio shelf? I’m not sure, but it did stink like mothballs.

The Longest Yard
Burt Reynolds used to be a Hollywood golden boy. Now they hate him so much they cast Adam Sandler in his role for remakes. Yes, Adam Sandler plays a football star (you read that right) who goes to jail and organizes a game to rally prisoner spirit. This movie recaptures all the uplifting good stuff from the first film like Sandler’s Mr. Deeds captured Frank Capra’s wit, charm, and optimism. Yep, 0 for 2 for Billy Madison.

Robots
Hollywood, I’m making you this counter offer: I’ll give you every projected dollar I’ll earn next year if you give up on making cutesy CGI movies with annoying celebrity voices. We both know sooner or later the fad is going to bottom out, at least for a 10-year drought or so, so take advantage of the offer while you can. It’s easily a clear $9,000, maybe up to $18,000, if Domino’s returns my call. I’ll give you anything I can to avoid sitting through another animated movie with the voice of Robin Williams. Sometimes I still wake up screaming with Aladdin flashbacks. So get back to me on this, Hollywood. I’ll lie, cheat, or steal to honor my part of the bargain. But hurry up, before Cars comes to the theater.

That’s our answer to disaster this week. As they say, fight fire with fire. Which makes no sense, because everyone knows you’re supposed to fight fire most effectively with water. But it doesn’t have as much alliterative appeal, and logic never made for great clichés anyway. Good-bye, America, and don’t forget to choke on it.


Quote of the Day
“May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts, and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he fuck them up so I'll know not to trust cripples.”

-Old Irish Proverb, Jr.
Fortune 500 Cookie
That weird smell in the office: It's you, dude. Stay out of the sun this week at your doctor's request; he's tired of seeing you shirtless. This week's lucky prom dates: Mom's hot friend "Aunt" Chyniqua, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, a randomly selected pro wrestler, entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds, or six of the seven dwarves: Sneezy's got cancer.


Try again later.
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Archives
September 12, 2005
Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling... (9/12/05)

September 5, 2005
Once again there’s slim pickings on the first-release movie DVD front. I’ll cover a few, then pad out this column with a few quick TV-on-DVD releases. Has Hollywood become so abysmally dead for material they have to let the small screen supply... (9/5/05)

August 29, 2005
Holy Toledo, America. I've never been to the place, but it sounds like quite the religious Mecca. What religion? I have no idea, but if it's Ohio, it's probably Shriners. That just seems to fit. Anyway, we're back and black after a wonderful... (8/29/05)

August 22, 2005
Greetings, sub-middle America. The healthy computer-glow tan I received over my vacation reminds me that I wasn't around to comment on the recent box office failure of The Island. I would gloat until the cows came home, then chop them into... (8/22/05)

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