Way Inside Jokes

Nobody gets me. I swear. They're all too stupid.

It's not my fault. Having your own abbreviations and slang just makes life way more fun. Like whenever someone tells me they're a fan of something or other, I like to think that "fan" is short for "fancy vagina." Then nobody knows why I'm cracking up because that fat guy in the third row just announced that he was a Philadelphia Phillies fancy vagina. What a dork!

Mom is another good one. M.O.M. could just as easily stand for "Musky Otter Meat." That one has tons of mileage on Mother's Day. Or "Moldy Old Moose," that one really gets her going. "Murderer of Mexicans" got me grounded for a week, no lie. Eventually she just started insisting that I call her Carol. Whatever, some people have no senses of humor.

Another funny thing is when somebody else is talking, add "with my penis" to the end of everything they say. If it's a guy talking it's pretty funny. Like when my dad told me "I'm going to go mow the lawn (with my penis)" last week, ha ha. Or when the president was on TV talking about how he was going to send assistance to New Orleans with his penis. I'd like to see that! Or the best was when my English teacher Mr. Appleton said "I'd like to touch your naked breasts (with my penis)" the other day! I couldn't stop giggling.

Most people think you need to have two people to have an inside joke, but I think that's just stupid. Nothing's funnier than being the only one who knows why something's so funny.

Whenever my friend Marcy talks about getting her period, I can't stop laughing because it would be so funny if she was talking about the punctuation mark, the other kind of period. "Oh no, here comes my period again!" At least it's not a comma, you dumb bitch! Ha ha. Just the thought of an ampersand flopping out of Marcy's See You Next Tuesday is enough to get me kicked out of Social Studies for the laughing fits! And no, Mr. Dunlin, this isn't even about Napoleon Bonerparts, that was SO last year. Doofus!

Everyone has a funny name, when you really think about it. Tim? Come back and talk to me after you've done something about those Tiny Implanted Mammaries, you freak! Shawn? Nice try, but we all know your mother named you after masturbashawn. Ha, loser. And Jane? You're the worst of them all! I can't even believe you'd go out in public with a name like Just Another Naked Elephant. You could at least go by your less-embarrassing middle name, Sexy Underwear Eater.

And don't even talk to me about these freaks who don't even catch on after I've been laughing at them for like half an hour. I mean, come on, you should at least stop saying things like "there's a lot of room" or "I like to play croquet" after it becomes obvious I've been adding "inside my mom's ass" to everything you say in my own mind!

But nope, nobody gets how funny and dumb they really are. It's a shame really, for everybody except me.

I'm Not that Big a Fan of Talking
I'm not that big a fan of talking. I don't know what the big deal is. It seems like it's basically impossible to find a girl to date who isn't constantly nagging you about that. "What do you want to eat? What are you thinking about? Why did you put... (9/5/05)

A Martini for My Dead Homies
Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to bring things down for a minute, if that's okay with all of you. Make things a little somber. Bring up an unflattering truth, even if we're all reluctant to hear it, because that's what rap is about: Making us face... (7/11/05)

More Than Words
Exhibit A: Hair rockers with a conscience Extreme's 1990 hit "More Than Words" Lasting Cultural Impact: Joy, hope, and black nail polish for the masses. Separated at Birth: Anything by the Everly Brothers. ... (3/21/05)