Seventh Heaven

Let's get started. I don't have all day. If I did have it, I would probably charge for its use. I'm thinking $4.50, $5 ought to do it. Not outrageous, but enough to clear a healthy profit.

I have recently taken to wearing hats. And we are no longer a hat-endorsing culture, I remind you. So if you see me on the street, applaud my actions. I mean it. Seriously, applaud. Very loudly, and with whistles.

Ever notice how there are movie-grade celebrities, and then there are TV-grade celebrities? In movies, you have Tom Cruise. On TV, you get Matthew Perry. Every once in a while you'll see an ambitious star claw his way up, like George Clooney. Or you'll witness the sad decline of one star washing up on TV shores, like Geena Davis. Where does that leave Paris Hilton? I'd say straight to video, but I have more class than that.

It just occurs to me I never received any gifts at all on Christmas morning, 1993. God, no wonder that morning went by so slow. I knew something was askew.

What time is it? Drinking time! It's always drinking time, when you have alcohol.

If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. This applies to any packet gravy you can get your hands on it.

It seems like only yesterday I was a bouncing young boy with his future laid out before him. If it was really yesterday, I had one hell of a growth spurt. I'm seriously worried if it's still going on, because I could be dead before I'm done with this column. But more than likely it was just time seeming relative to me again.

If I could have only one thing given to me, I would like a gun. Everything else I could then get myself.

I have but one rule to live by: If your teeth are turning black, it's time to start brushing. Live by this rule and you can't go wrong.

Several times a month I order a "pizza with everything on it." When it arrives, I'm disappointed to find only extra cheese, green onions, olives, mushrooms, and several kinds of meat. Is this truly everything? Have we grown so unimaginative as a culture we can't do any better? I demanded everything, damn you. Put some backbone into it.

Whoops! I fell out of my chair. That time it was an accident. I know I've done it sometimes just to get attention, but that time was for real.

I have never been charged with impersonating a police officer, though I do it all the time. Don't worry—I don't wear a uniform or carry a fake badge or anything. It's all in my attitude. I carry myself like a cop. People don't say anything, but they don't believe it. I don't tell them I'm a cop either. That would be cheating. And a felony.

They call them sunglasses, but they don't shine the sun directly into your eyes when you're wearing them. They should call them "sunblockers," or "shades." Why is it I'm the one who has to think of these things?

That's sufficient. I could give it more, but I don't think you quite deserve that, do you? No, not at all.

Vernon Hooper's Sixth Cents
Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed. In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close... (6/27/05)

Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
It's another day on the bunny trail. Let's hop this motherfucker onward. Have you listened to this new grunge music? It's all the rage. It's more real than heavy metal, because these kids are singing about the real pain they are in. It mixes... (2/28/05)

Fourth and Forward
It's that time of year again—the anniversary of this time last year. What have you been doing with yourself in all that time? I sure do have some stories to tell. But not for today. Those Olsen Twins are national treasures. And like other... (8/9/04)

Third Time's Alarm
You know me, I don't like formalities. Let's get right to what's on my mind this minute. Do you remember in grade school, those cafeteria lunches where they used to hand out a rectangle of pizza? I never got mine. The best thing you can do in... (4/19/04)