Welcome back to being alive, America! Whatever you do when you’re not reading Entertainment Police, I think we can all agree it’s not quite living. Take a moment to re-adjust to the feeling of blood pumping through your veins and air whistling through the squeezebox in your chest while we warm up to take a potshot at this week’s new releases from the Beast That Ate Hollywood. Feeling better? Then strap on your shit bib and let’s begin.

In Theaters Now:

The Constant Gardener
Everyone could always count on Ava Gardener, and you can count on this biopic to lull you to sleep like a metronome and a glass full of Quaaludes. The Big Sleep? Oh come on, there’s nothing so bad about The Big Sleep. You really want to see the rest of this movie? I didn’t think so. Harps and white robes third door on your left.

The Exorcism of Axl Rose
Finally somebody asked the question of what the hell ever happened to Axl Rose and what could have been? What kind of music could the world have known if Rose’s decadence and megalomania had been allowed to grow unchecked, rather than being cut down in his 20-minute-long "November Rain" video prime. He was already playing the piano on MTV with Elton John, what could have come next? The accordion? The harp? A harp on top of a piano being played by Elton John, while the 90-minute long version of Guns N’ Roses’ latest video was projected on a screen in the background and doves were flying around in strobe lights everywhere? We’ll never know, because the jealous fates decided enough was enough and possessed our poet of hairspray metal with some kind of demonic spirit that required Tom Wilkinson’s intervention. Isn’t that always the way?

Thumbsucker
Leave it to some low-rent indie slob to take the low road, naming his latest $14 "You gave my student film a thumbs-down" revenge flick after the hip cognoscenti’s rude nickname for fellow movie critic Roger Ebert. Sure, REbert (as I’ve always called him, I don’t know, it just feels right) and I haven’t always seen eye to eye when it comes to the movies we review, but that’s what America is all about: the other guy’s right to be wrong. And fat. Sure, REbert has lost some serious weight lately, as you may have noticed from his most recent spread in Playgirl. But he was still way out of line to misspell my name in that online chat back in 1998. Nevermind what he said about my reviews. Seriously, how can a movie review make the baby Jesus cry? What a dick. I take it back, Thumbsucker is awesome. See it with a friend.

The Transplanter 2
That thick-necked English guy from every clip of soccer riot footage ever is back as an invincible action hero in a sequel that never had a first film, but seemed so sequel-like anyway they decided to give it a number. Now he’s doing what action heroes do best, helping people move across the country in a big fancy bad-ass moving truck that shoots sidewinder missiles, which the killjoys might find somewhat excessive. But if you’ve ever tried to park a moving truck on a city street, you know how necessary sidewinder missiles really are. I’ll give the movie three stars, because it doesn’t have any stars in it as-is and it could really use some. I’m in a generous mood, so I’ll say Hillary Duff, the guy from Limp Bizkit and Jeff Goldblum. There you go, have fun movie.

Whew, America! That was a workout. I think my pulse got up there for a second. What’s normal? Mine was definitely normal plus five during that last review. Give or take a normal margin of error, I didn’t have the appropriate medical equipment handy to test accurately. But I was feeling the burn. Until next time, America, I hope you all get burned.

September 5, 2005
Once again there’s slim pickings on the first-release movie DVD front. I’ll cover a few, then pad out this column with a few quick TV-on-DVD releases. Has Hollywood become so abysmally dead for material they have to let the small screen supply... (9/5/05)

August 29, 2005
Holy Toledo, America. I've never been to the place, but it sounds like quite the religious Mecca. What religion? I have no idea, but if it's Ohio, it's probably Shriners. That just seems to fit. Anyway, we're back and black after a wonderful... (8/29/05)

August 22, 2005
Greetings, sub-middle America. The healthy computer-glow tan I received over my vacation reminds me that I wasn't around to comment on the recent box office failure of The Island. I would gloat until the cows came home, then chop them into... (8/22/05)

July 11, 2005
Stop the madness, America! Sorry, I thought that might be the secret cure for mental illness that has been eluding us all these eons. But I can see from my window that guy in the beekeeper outfit is still panhandling outside, so apparently my... (7/11/05)