Your Ass is Grass and I'm the Lawnmower

by Cassandra Steiger

September 5, 2005

Your ass is grass
and I'm the lawnmower
You're slower
than Noah
with his Ark overflowin'

And I'm fast
like the gas
you passed
when you harassed
my nose last.

You've got mast ass
you butt pirate
I know you desire it
so don't pretend you're not fruity
like pebbles, you beauty

It's my duty
to inform you
I'm about to transform you
into a pile of pain
as you choke on the main vein

Do I need to explain?

I'm back, you fat bitch
I'm here to Lilo your Stitch
I'm your wicked witch
I'm on you like jock itch

You gonna have to change schools
if you wanna keep those jewels
fool
I'm cruel like Raoul
and I'll make you my coke mule

You don't remember
December?
When I waxed your ass last?
Billy Olsen, you daft
You stupid
That's the only thing
more powerful than the ugly you bring

I'm Cassandra, your nightmare
your pied piper ass-wiper
Riper than a diaper
in the Texas sun, punk
I'd grab you by the junk
and make you French-kiss a skunk
if I didn't like skunks so much.

You messed with the wrong girl
back when you took my lunch money
I didn't find that too funny
'til I made your nose runny

I'm the one, son
that gave you diarrhea so bad
when I took back what was mine
back went I went all Columbine

That's what I think of you
you belong in a zoo
living off the scraps that I threw

So happy birthday to you
you look like a monkey
and you smell like one too

You're a punk and a fag
and I was born on the rag
So give it up, princess
I want your lunch money
and I want it before recess
Son, this ain't funny
I'll snap you to pieces

So fork over that dollar
fork over your change
Don't make me do nasty-ass
damage to your brain
I want it now and I want it quickly
you're sickly
and I know the spot where you're tickly
so don't mess around
I ain't no clown.

Iâ€¦ Iâ€¦

I want some Cheetos, a'ight?

Milestones

1999: Rok Finger's highly offensive rendition of "White Christmas" marks the end of the commune's yearly Christmas parties, and the birth of the Parents Against Rok Finger Coalition (PARF).

Now Hiring

Rubik. Crazy puzzle-making hermit needed to devise a way to keep staff out of Red Bagel's mini-fridge. Knowledge of trap doors and spinning blades a plus.

John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes

1.	Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.	Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3.	"I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.	Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.	Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election

Menu
Tonsils so docile you can eat them like dumplings dumping your tummy on a rumpled green tongue. Stews you can use to lose the blues if you choose or just deliver the news that Stu is here, too. Feet of a stork that look like a cooked... (7/4/05)

Bouncing Against Injustice
I am a beach ball You bet your balls Round and colorful inflated and plastic I piss you off at concerts I lure you into the deep end drown you, dumb fuck I am the Hungry Hippo I eat your marble always eating your marbles until I am the... (6/27/05)

Phil Spector's Hair
Rising high like a psychedelic mushroom cloud so loud without a sound Holy Jesus, did you see Phil Spector's hair? Big like Canada Big like the sun Big like an idea whose time has come Phil Spector's hair is like a Zen koan Through which the wind... (6/6/05)