Your Ass is Grass and I'm the Lawnmower

by Cassandra Steiger

September 5, 2005

Your ass is grass
and I'm the lawnmower
You're slower
than Noah
with his Ark overflowin'

And I'm fast
like the gas
you passed
when you harassed
my nose last.

You've got mast ass
you butt pirate
I know you desire it
so don't pretend you're not fruity
like pebbles, you beauty

It's my duty
to inform you
I'm about to transform you
into a pile of pain
as you choke on the main vein

Do I need to explain?

I'm back, you fat bitch
I'm here to Lilo your Stitch
I'm your wicked witch
I'm on you like jock itch

You gonna have to change schools
if you wanna keep those jewels
fool
I'm cruel like Raoul
and I'll make you my coke mule

You don't remember
December?
When I waxed your ass last?
Billy Olsen, you daft
You stupid
That's the only thing
more powerful than the ugly you bring

I'm Cassandra, your nightmare
your pied piper ass-wiper
Riper than a diaper
in the Texas sun, punk
I'd grab you by the junk
and make you French-kiss a skunk
if I didn't like skunks so much.

You messed with the wrong girl
back when you took my lunch money
I didn't find that too funny
'til I made your nose runny

I'm the one, son
that gave you diarrhea so bad
when I took back what was mine
back went I went all Columbine

That's what I think of you
you belong in a zoo
living off the scraps that I threw

So happy birthday to you
you look like a monkey
and you smell like one too

You're a punk and a fag
and I was born on the rag
So give it up, princess
I want your lunch money
and I want it before recess
Son, this ain't funny
I'll snap you to pieces

So fork over that dollar
fork over your change
Don't make me do nasty-ass
damage to your brain
I want it now and I want it quickly
you're sickly
and I know the spot where you're tickly
so don't mess around
I ain't no clown.

Iâ€¦ Iâ€¦

I want some Cheetos, a'ight?

Quote of the Day

“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”

-Dennis Freebasen

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.

Try again later.

Top Samuel Berger Excuses for Hiding Documents in Pants

1.	Was hoping only hot babes had clearance to read pages.
2.	In early stages of making a nest for baby starlings.
3.	Not everybody can afford a snazzy briefcase, Rockefeller.
4.	Trying to conceive children; needed to keep the boys warm.
5.	Classify this, motherfucker.

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