Greetings, sub-middle America. The healthy computer-glow tan I received over my vacation reminds me that I wasn't around to comment on the recent box office failure of The Island. I would gloat until the cows came home, then chop them into steaks, but I realize that for every Bruckheimer stinker that America rejects there will be two that people will pile in to see. To quote Pete Seeger, "O, when will we ever learn?" But now, on to recent DVD releases…

Now on DVD:

Kung Fu Hustle
Stephen Chow is a Hong Kong hero developing a cult following on this side of the world for his filmography, which mixes all the hilarity of testicular cancer with the philosophical cinematic approach of the Farrelly Brothers. If you ever wanted more kung fu in your fart joke movies, you must acquaint yourself with his work. However, a warning: Though the dialogue is insipid, it is all in subtitles. If you hate movies you have to read, this might be a little too intellectual to curry your favor.

Sin City
Here's something decidedly un-intellectual. Adapted from a comic book, which was in turn adapted from a warped man's homicidal fever dreams, famously violent director Robert Rodriguez brings comic book artist Frank Miller's famously violent touch to a somewhat bigger screen. Heads are hacked off, brains are blown out, and genitals are pulled out by hand—it's everything cinematic pioneers like Preston Sturges or the French New Wave directors could have ever aspired to. Oh, and while it's not subtitled, it is in black and white. Maybe still a little too intellectual, so forget it.

The Wedding Date
Here's something more your speed. The old TV-star-romantic-comedy picture that slips under the radar like a dead rabbit every few months. In this case, it's Debra Messing from the so-called "comedy" Will & Grace, co-starring with forgettable leading man Dermot Mulroney (if that is his real name) in a picture about two people who sometimes argue and then have sex and live happily ever after the way they only can in movies. There is nothing to challenge you, nothing to confuse you, nothing to be in the least out of step with your expectations of a romantic comedy. In short, nothing. There. Go see it. You'll forget you did.

The Brown Bunny
If you want something out of the ordinary, however, serve up The Brown Bunny for lunch. It's ambitiously bad filmmaking, with all the earmarks of a misconceived art film: dull scenes, agonizing pacing, and exploitative sex scenes masquerading as "stark eroticism." Plus, it's not even his dick. I read the trades. But you have to be a really dedicated bad film lover to devote time to this one. I watched a little bit of it, but… c'mon. I had things to do.

Not quite Bruckheimer-level garbage, but it should tide us over until The Island floats its way onto DVD this fall. Unless you're one of those rare people who watches movies to be entertained. I believe the expression that's most appropriate is, "You're shit out of luck."

July 11, 2005
Stop the madness, America! Sorry, I thought that might be the secret cure for mental illness that has been eluding us all these eons. But I can see from my window that guy in the beekeeper outfit is still panhandling outside, so apparently my... (7/11/05)

July 4, 2005
Here’s the choice: Get out of the house for a while and see an appallingly awful action movie, or stay at home and watch some hideous 6-month-old pretentious Oscar-contenders. Either way, you lose, but your expenses are reduced when you suffer in... (7/4/05)

June 27, 2005
Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little... (6/27/05)

June 20, 2005
No time for chit-chat. Hollywood has bombarded us with first-run DVD releases after months of drowning us in TV. So let's check out some of them. Now on DVD: Coach Carter A real novelty: Inner-city black and Hispanic kids who... (6/20/05)