Stop the madness, America! Sorry, I thought that might be the secret cure for mental illness that has been eluding us all these eons. But I can see from my window that guy in the beekeeper outfit is still panhandling outside, so apparently my technique still needs work. Stop the madness, please? With fudge? Man, this could take all day. Let's review some movies.

In Theaters Now:

Charlie and the C+C Music Factory
The cynic in me knew something important was going to get lost in this latest remake of the classic tale about a poor kid who gets candy from an insane child-killer in a big hat. For the first half of the movie I was having a hard time putting my finger on just what it was, and then I realized: the entire cast was being played by members of the C+C Music Factory, a really embarrassing one-hit MTV wonder from the Milli Vanilli generation. Don't get me wrong, Freedom Williams is fine as Charlie, in an Ice-T meets Something Awful kind of way, but that black chick with the big jugs is awful as Willy Wonka, in a Scream-Singing All Her Lines For No Apparent Reason kind of way. This is truly one of those things that makes you go "Hmm… yep, I'm definitely gonna be sick."

Dork Water
Apparently implausibly mystical contaminants are really high on everyone's hot-button list lately, because we've already got two movies this week about magic goop that makes people weird. This time around it's Jennifer Connelly, and the shit that's dripping into her apartment turns you into a giant geek if you get any on your flesh. Tapping into the nightmares of jocks everywhere, Dork Water does a good job of showing just how scary geeks really are, with seemingly attractive people suddenly developing a passion for Dungeons & Dragons and the Final Fantasy series of video games. You'll cringe in your seat as once-hot women suddenly become unattractive when they start playing Magik and arguing Kirk vs. Picard. Thankfully for the film, Connelly stays off the drip and is eventually able to shock-and-awe the dorks out of her apartment, using a deft series of wedgies and the promise that one of the aliens with the big tits from Star Trek is waiting outside.

Fantastic Four
Hollywood is putting the "dumb" back in s(d)um(b)mer with this latest comic book farce that proves to be neither comic nor particularly bookish. What's the set-up this time? The crew of a Fantastic Sam's haircut emporium are exposed to radioactive space spunk via some blue barbershop dip that wasn't disposed of in the appropriate lead-lined containers. And the resulting mutations make the four, you guessed it, Fantastic, and not just at cutting hair for cut-rate prices. One of the chicks can blow hot air out of her nose, making hair dryers unnecessary, another one can cut hair with her teeth, and the gay guy psychically knows everybody's business. Oh, and the shampoo boy has become extremely flammable, which is generally more of a liability than a superpower. But the evil owner of a nearby Supercuts has different plans for the bunch, namely he wants them on his staff for less than minimum wage. The resultant hour and a half of salary haggling is decidedly less exciting or superheroic than what most audience members were likely expecting, and you could tell the gay guy's lisp was totally fake.

Woohoo! We're done, America, and I couldn't have done it without you. Actually, I could have, since frankly you guys didn't pull your weight at all, but it seemed like a nice thing to say. We'll be back again in two weeks, when I'll probably have to do most of the work myself, yet again. See you then, lazies.

July 4, 2005
Here’s the choice: Get out of the house for a while and see an appallingly awful action movie, or stay at home and watch some hideous 6-month-old pretentious Oscar-contenders. Either way, you lose, but your expenses are reduced when you suffer in... (7/4/05)

June 27, 2005
Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little... (6/27/05)

June 20, 2005
No time for chit-chat. Hollywood has bombarded us with first-run DVD releases after months of drowning us in TV. So let's check out some of them. Now on DVD: Coach Carter A real novelty: Inner-city black and Hispanic kids who... (6/20/05)

June 13, 2005
Yola, America. That's a new hybrid black/Spanish greeting I just made up, I think it's going to be a big crossover hit. Start sending in your royalty payments now, kids. Anyway, we're here for one thing and one thing only this week: getting paid. I... (6/13/05)