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09/10/26   
Ugly like an Eskimo, but fun at parties

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by Violet Tiara
bio/email
July 4, 2005
Tonsils so docile
you can eat them like dumplings
dumping your tummy
on a rumpled green tongue.

Stews you can use
to lose the blues
if you choose
or just deliver the news
that Stu is here, too.

Feet of a stork
that look like a cooked fork
and even Mork from Ork
would prefer them to pork.

Brains from Spain,
jalapenoed or plain
but first let me explain
that the drippings may stain.

Hedgehogs!
Sweet hedgehogs!
Are like candy for the gut
believe me you've never had them in custard but
please be careful not to glut.

Have you ever eaten
mice beaten
into a frothy puree
and topped with crème brulee
by a chef who's so gay
he could make dogmeat delicious?

Nutritious?
Of course!
You want the eyes of a horse
steamed over mussels straight from the source
for your second course.

Arachnids?
Your fat kids
will love our spider muffins
and our puffin blood toughened
by a night out in the rain.

But do not forget
our dogshit baguette!
Trust me it's delightful
don't let the name leave you frightful.

Might I interest you
in a toad with the flu?
The pilot just flew
in from Bulgaria with two.

Though I have to tell you
truly nothing can top
our cream of the crop
for this menu's finest
is the baked werewolves' vaginas.

So, may I take your order?

A Big Mac?

Whatever, it's your funeral.


Quote of the Day
“We have nothing to fear but Fear itself. Fear is, of course, my rabid pit bull infected with the plague.”

-Franklin de Roosevelt
Fortune 500 Cookie
A watched pot never boils, and rust never sleeps. Doubt every instinct this week. A friend says sugar cookies turn you queer, for real. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 32, and 1.


Try again later.
Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips
1.Carbs are like the devil’s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, you’ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you won’t be so upset when you find out you’re still fat.
4.You’re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.
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