Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you.

In Theaters Now:

Herbie: Fully Loaded
Finally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to the thrill of really driving through a full parking lot, diagonally. Finally-old-enough-to-funk party girl Lindsay Lohan knows all about the joys of driving by touch, and she's utterly believable as the tipsy heroine of this family-friendly crowd-pleaser.

But how does Herbie (by the way, what exactly is a Love Bug? Herpes?) fare this time around? Well, now that he doesn't have to pretend like he's not drunk on high-octane go-cart fuel all the time, Herbie can finally let it all hang out and give the performance of his possessed-car career. There hasn't been a lot of competition in this category since the car that played Christine got tired of typecasting and quit the business to start a taxi service and KITT went into auto porn, but Herbie is clearly at the top of his game and has rebounded nicely from going bananas during his mid-career Robert Downey, Jr. phase.

Land's End of the Dead
The question begs to be asked: If an army of the undead took over a leading casual clothing retailer, would service actually improve? Of course it would, but this film sets out to demonstrate just how much. Prices and torsos are slashed as zombie marauders descend upon everyone's favorite source of deck shoes, and third quarter profits shoot up 17%. The film is a little light on the drama until the second half, when a bunch of Australian Mad Max fans stage a hostile takeover of the chainsaw variety, but then some attractive people get almost naked and everything's fine.

March of the Penguins
Although most of NIN's new album is way too soft and the Beanie Baby tie-ins are just disgusting, Trent Reznor and company can still turn out a killer video, which they prove with this severely belated offering from the soundtrack for Batman Returns. Clocking in at an almost-feature-length two and a half hours, some might complain that the movie remix of the song gets a little tiresome after hour two, but most everyone else will be buzzing over finally seeing a movie where they crucify a penguin.

War of the World's Worst Dressers
Tom Cruise fires his fashion consultant and starts dressing the way he wanna in this frightening futuristic tale from horrormeister Steven Spielberg. Let's just say they don't have a fashion week at Scientology Camp for a reason, kids, and Cruise is terrifyingly plausible in polyester and rodeo-clown fleece. But Tom runs into some serious competition when Boy George and Dennis Rodman show up with the CGI reanimation of Rodney Dangerfield, out to claim his crown as the world's most nakedly tacky. This is the movie Mr. Blackwell sees when he has nightmares. Well, this and 9 to 5.

That's that and Jack Sprat can eat no fat, or however the nursery rhyme goes, America. Funny to think they had the Atkins diet even back then in nursery rhyme days, though I hear his wife lost more with Lean Cuisine. If any of you need me, I'll be here, taking apart this dancing robot. On second thought, fend for yourselves. I can't have any needy people cutting into my valuable robot time.

June 20, 2005
No time for chit-chat. Hollywood has bombarded us with first-run DVD releases after months of drowning us in TV. So let's check out some of them. Now on DVD: Coach Carter A real novelty: Inner-city black and Hispanic kids who... (6/20/05)

June 13, 2005
Yola, America. That's a new hybrid black/Spanish greeting I just made up, I think it's going to be a big crossover hit. Start sending in your royalty payments now, kids. Anyway, we're here for one thing and one thing only this week: getting paid. I... (6/13/05)

June 6, 2005
In the interest of complete honesty, I'll tell you there are hardly any DVDs of first-release movies coming out in the near future. Blame the big distraction that is the summer blockbuster season. But the good news is, there's always TV. I thought... (6/6/05)

May 30, 2005
G'day, America, we're phoning in this week's edition of Entertainment Police from an Aussie state of mind, and by that I mean I'm stuck in an airport in Austria. Word to the wise: don't accept an invitation to the Greater Chinese Film Festival,... (5/30/05)