A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 14: Foster in Time

Editor's Note: Last time, Jed was blown the fuck up.

After the third biggest explosion he had ever been in the middle of, Jed Foster awoke in the middle of a grassy field. At first he thought it was central park, but there were no dogs shitting on the grass, and no yuppies jogging through effeminately, listening to their MP3 players. He rose to a sitting position, legs crossed Native American style, and held onto his aching head.

"My head!" said Jed.

Looking around, Jed could see the ever-spreading green of grassland, which spread ever outwards until it reached the forests and then abruptly turned into woody trees. It looked like a land untouched by any kind of industry, but you don't know it isn't yet. Jed stood up and checked his pocket watch, which had been blown off during the explosion, which made it difficult.

"My head," said Jed, and then worried he had fallen into a time loop, but it was actually just that his head really, really hurt.

Then, out of nowhere, and totally unexpected to the readers, a knight in glistening armor road into the field. He rode on a large roan horse, or possibly the other way around, but he looked very much like a knight from King Arthur's table.

"My word," started the knight, who spoke perfect English, since they invented it, "how did you get here?"

"That depends on where here is," said Foster cleverly. "Where have I landed, good sir knight?"

"You have landed in the year of our lord 20 After Jesus Died," said the knight. "In Yorkshirefilth, England."

"20 A.J.D.!" exclaimed Jed. "I'm shocked! That blast… the one from when I blew up the Bomb of Ages! It must have sent me back in time."

"That seems like pseudoscience," said the knight. "Fortunately, we still believe in pseudoscience here. Since you're a new visitor, I'll be happy to invite you to join the Round Table of the King of England, King Arthur."

"Thank you, sir…?"

"Sir Punkrock," said the knight.

So that must be where the term comes from, said Jed, already learning something new about history. Jed told the knight his name was Sir Gen-General, because he thought it was funny. And the knight told him he was glad to meet him, and would take him to meet the king, and the author saved a few expensive column inches in dialogue.

As they were going into town, they passed a large crowd of rabble—peasants, the filthiest kind of poor people they had in England at the time, and Jed showered pity on them. Not one by one, nobody has that kind of time, but he gave a general feeling of pity in every direction they lay, usually in the form of a pitiful look. Hopefully they understood. The knight pointed to a castle in the distance and said they would soon be at the home of King Arthur.

Before they left town, they came to a small public court where a witch trial was happening. They had already tried the witch and she, with a lousy public defender, had been found guilty. Jed listened for a few minutes as he and the knight continued to pass, then interceded.

"Allow me to offer a fair test for this alleged witch," said Jed. "We all know witches, like firewood, burn. So let me light her on fire, and if she burns, she's obviously a witch."

They agreed, but when Jed took out his pocket lighter and made fire, all eyes, even the pitiful dirty eyes of the rabble, widened in terror.

"He's some sort of bizarre male witch!" said some asshole. "Burn him, too!"


Next Chapter: Knight on Fire

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