Phil Spector's Hair

by Violet Tiara

June 6, 2005

Rising high like a psychedelic mushroom cloud
so loud without a sound
Holy Jesus, did you see Phil Spector's hair?

Big like Canada
Big like the sun
Big like an idea whose time has come

Phil Spector's hair is like a Zen koan
Through which the wind doesn't whistle, it moans
It's so big it's small
It's so short it's tall
Fuck it man, I lost my Frisbee in there

Phil Spector's hair's got more air
Than Neptune's atmosphere

Phil Spector's hair is like the end of the world
Blotting out the sun
Like a hot air balloon from hell
What's that smell?
I can't get nothing on my cell

Dammit, Phil.

I imagine a whole colony of weebles living in there
in the city of Phil Spector's Hair
Or the Whos that Horton heard
And rare, endangered species of bird

Goddamn, Sam
I think a barber from another dimension
Had a hand in those extensions

"Hey look, I'm on the TV!"
No shit dude, you ARE the TV
Now move a little to the left
So I can get TBS

I can hear the empty cans of hair spray rattle when he walks
That thing lists like a satellite when he talks
There's a gaping hole in the ozone over that hair constellation

That shit's giving me nightmares like Ringu
And that's another annoying thing, too
That hair's in my peripheral vision 24/7
And at a quarter to eleven
I can still see a quarter of Phil's hair in the sky
As it sets in the West and in the East
It rises like yeast
It's the key to Middle East Peace
And it soothes the savage beast

But dammit, man
How come I always get seated behind Phil Spector
at the goddamned movies?

Quote of the Day

“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Sooooâ€¦ Any of y'all from Cleveland?”

-Ugly Carmichael

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend todayâ€”your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.

Try again later.

Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion

1.	"Oh My Godâ€”you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2.	"I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3.	"Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4.	"Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5.	"That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6.	"You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguyâ€”don't think I've forgotten."
7.	"Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8.	"The old gymnasium still smells like burned fleshâ€”what memories!"
9.	"So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10.	"Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."

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