Self-Fornicated

by Martha Vandella

May 30, 2005

Kiss me, you beast with the golden toes
the arches of your eyebrows like a broken McDonald's sign
the smacky wetness of your lips like the maw
of a paint-stained flower (love me, Venus Flytrap)

Absorb me
swallow me whole
crush my bones with teeth
chewing me like Laffy Taffy

I am whole once again
your are a hole, once again
I fall into you
never hitting bottom

I am a bowel movement
squeezing from your rectum
into the big porcelain void that is you
out of you (into you again)

My heart is like a snake eating itself
or a penis tucked into its owner's butthole
like the disgusting imagery in a Museum of the Grody
and I am the custodian

I am you
you are me
neither of us are welcome
at Open Mic Night anymore

Quote of the Day

“My love is like a red, red wiiiineâ€¦ go to my heaaaadâ€¦ make me forgeeetâ€¦ Wait. Sorry. My love is like a red, red roseâ€¦ just like eeeeevery night has its daaaaaw- awawaaaanâ€¦ Just like eeeevery cooowboyâ€¦ Fuck.”

-A.D.Dobbs

Fortune 500 Cookie

Clowns don't hate you, they just feel sorry for you. Your "Don't Worry, Be Slappy" series of self-help books finally broke the five-copy sales barrier this week, and just got you sued by the estate of Slappy White. This week's lucky strikes: Clover-Workers' Union, ump didn't see ball careen off batter's jock and through strike zone, killed them all while they were dreaming about killing you, threw your ex-wife's severed head down lane on accident.

Try again later.

Top Racially Insensitive Desserts

1.	Mint Jew Lips
2.	Negroreos
3.	Vanilla Dick
4.	Mr. Li's Chocolate Chink Ice Cream
5.	The Dirty Spaniard Sundae from Baskin Robbins

Brandy is Dandy
Brandy is dandy and wine is fine but liquor is quicker and vodka divine. Gin makes you sicker and slows down your ticker when you pull down your knickers so more freely to bicker. Thunderbird is a wonder, stirred and Night Train ... (5/9/05)

My Love is Like an Orange
My Love is Like an Orange, all shiny and orange and filled with a citrus burst to quench your lonely thirst. My love is not like porridge or storage or forage For my love is like an orange andâ€¦ Bugger, nothing rhymes with orange.... (4/11/05)

Blown by the Sun
The night air like a cheese, perfumed with sea water A blocky, leaky, laggy cheese coating us all We the three of us tramp through Panama City Selling fake insurance policies for a dollar to The tourists The cops roust us here and there, upon... (4/4/05)