Net Pirates

Like many of you, I was quite thrilled to see the final installment in the Star Wars prequelogy, a word I have just now made up. Not only because I'm the world's biggest Star Wars fan, a fact which I have long concealed so as to be spared from the Star Wars jibes of my enemies, but also because I anxiously await to see all the chronology errors Lucas creates with his prequel changes. But this you may already know.

I waited in a long, long line with my midnight-showing ticket, carrying my own homemade lightsaber (actually works) and dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi (young version, of course); I was not dressed, as the two pricks in line behind me joked, as "the galaxy's fattest Jedi." But regardless of the opinions of two pricks, I had quite a nice time, really enjoyed the movie, and was happy to see it made so much money over the weekend. Can you imagine what it would have made if Internet Pirates hadn't cut into the proceeds by releasing an illegal copy?

As someone who hates to pay for things, I have always advocated the free trade of music and other materials. But I draw the line at Star Wars movies before they have even left the box office—even finished their opening night take. I have it on good authority from some guy whose name I didn't catch that George Lucas has lost his ass on all the Star Wars movies, trading off what could have been a fortune for useless "merchandizing rights." Tsk-tsk. Worse than that even, the studio paid him all the gross in Republic credits, which were, of course, about as useful as confederate money after the Empire took over. A damn shame.

The plot grows even more insidious. Up to two weeks before the movie even came out, I found a version of it available for download—you heard me right. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith was on the Net two weeks before it premiered in theaters. The version I found starred all Lego people, and ended with a gratuitous homosexual love scene between Anakin and Chewbacca. You can imagine I, as a Star Wars purist, was quite outraged, sir, which prompted me to call Skywalker Ranch and get it verified this was not the authorized print. My faith was renewed, even if Lucas just rushed out a different cut with the homosexual love scene removed, and starring flesh-and-blood people. But to be scooped in such a fashion must have been very frustrating for Mr. Lucas.

Perhaps the industry has a point about the dangers of Internet Pirates. I remember all the problems we at the commune had with Internet Pirates years back, when we were launching our first commune site. A filthy swab by the name of Nanobeard came in and stole all our swag before we had a chance to even publish. Two years worth of my columns were plundered, and brutally gutted for verbs right before my eyes. I sat back with our tech programmer Cubby and watched the brutality as they tore holes through our firewalls and made short work of our defenses. If you ask me, Mazie the Chicken's Fortune 500 Cookies made a lot more sense before those pirates scared the bejesus out of her.

Still, I can't bemoan the past. A later addition to our tech team, Glynis Pogue, is quite the Internet Pirate hunter, and usually it turns out up to 75% of them were former Net boyfriends of hers. We're pirate safe—at last. It doesn't mean Hollywood is yet pirate-proof against the likes of Nanobeard and his ilk.

So please, don't watch your movies on the Internet—you could be taking the gruel right out of some millionaire Hollywood producer's mouth without even knowing it. And word to the wise: the homosexual love scenes are often removed when they go to the theaters.

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