Great Googly Moogly, America. I'm not kidding, this is the best Googly Moogly I've ever had, my compliments to the chef. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't get good Chinese food from a place that also recycles athletic equipment. One stop shopping is the word of the future, according to something I read somewhere like eight years ago. Speaking of the future, we've got a batchload of new movies to review, and they all stink like the future.

In Theaters Now:

Domingo: Presequel to the Exorcist
Who knew Pavarotti knew so much about demon exorcising? I'd have thought any word so similar to "exercising" would have scared that tub of tenor right out of town. But instead, Domingo Pavarotti sticks around long enough to work up a forehead sweat liberating a devil-infested bucket of fried chicken and then proceeds to sweat straight through all eight layers of a tuxedo singing a song about it. I assume the song was about chicken, anyway, from the way he kept taking chicken breaks every few lines, but it was in Italian so it could have been about Domingo being in love with his mother for all I know. Was the movie scary? Did you see that tux? Yeah kids, you'll get your nine bucks worth.

Mimehunters
Hunting mimes for sport and trophies: a cruel but fun hobby, or just a fun hobby? It is far beyond the scope of this column to answer such questions, so we'll stick to the question of whether or not the movie makes mime hunting look as fun as it actually is in real life. And the answer is: damn close. True, no film can adequately translate the visceral joy of hearing a mime scream from across a beautiful mountain canyon, but Mimehunters does a fine job regardless. As a side note, the producers of this film wanted to get the word out early that no real mimes were injured during the making of this film, since professional mime hunters were used to insure that each mime shot was a clean kill.

Munsters-in-Law
Don't you hate it when you get married to a blonde hottie and at the wedding you discover that your new wife is the freakishly normal daughter from the Munster family? God, that really chaps my nuts. And apparently, mine weren't the only ones chapped, since Hollywood saw fit to make an entire feature film about the same. Robert DeNiro combines his twin talents for playing freaks and overbearing fathers-in-law with his turn as everyone's favorite reanimated collection of cadaver bits, Herman J. Munster. And rumor has it that Angelina Jolie didn't even need make-up to play his dead sexy wife Lillian. The corpse of Jack Lemmon is especially refreshing as Grandpa Munster, the sly old vampire codger who talks like there's an electric gear in his mouth making his jaw move in synch with a voiceover from Dave Coulier.

Perhaps the only disappointing bit of casting was the odd choice of Mel Brooks in a tall stack of pancake makeup playing little Eddie Munster. Brooks gives the role his all, but the difficulty of emoting through fourteen pounds of prosthetics eventually shows through when Brooks quits the film on-camera halfway through, and for the rest of the movie little Eddie's mysterious away at "Sexual Reassignment" camp.

Star Wars: Revenge of the Smiths
Finally, the final Star Wars movie is here and finally, it's got Morrissey in it. Fans have grown impatient waiting for the big haired Brit to make his smooth debut in the science fiction opera ballet that is Star Wars, and the years of watching child actors hamming it up and extras in rubber dog outfits has finally paid off. Morrissey is here, looking suave, kicking Jedi ass and crooning about the girl who dumped him at the county fair when he was twelve—all at the same time. How'd they do it? CGI? Beats the shit out of me.


Way to go, America, you've made it to the end of the column, and now you get a bacon cookie. I'm not kidding, take one. Please, I've got to get rid of these things before my office gets permanently stanked up like bacon. I don't know what I was thinking even buying these things, the pig on the package doesn't even look all that happy. Lesson learned though, and I'm really glad I didn't get any of the oyster pudding. Until next time, America!

May 9, 2005
Are you ready for the big summer blockbuster season? Translated: Have you bought sufficient quantities of air sickness bags? I wish I had the good fortune to be reviewing those, instead of clunkers that have already died at the box office. But good... (5/9/05)

May 2, 2005
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, America. What? I don't know, I assumed you had some kind of tobacco handy. Way to let us all down. I thought you might at least have some of that green plastic Easter-basket grass. Cancer? Yeah, that would... (5/2/05)

April 25, 2005
Less than a month now until the final Star Wars movie comes out. And I'm more excited than anyone. You know what this means: After May, and the ensuing hooplah dies, no more Star Wars movies—ever! No more insidious dialogue, no... (4/25/05)

April 18, 2005
Howdy Doody, Americans and others, Roland McShyster here, you there. Now that we've set the stage, let's get on to the movie reviews: Sadly, there's only one new movie out to review this week, but on the happy side, I've taken this opportunity to... (4/18/05)

April 11, 2005
No time for chatter this week. I have a full stock of Don Cheadle movies to review (they're Cheadle-icious) and them I'm off to see Sin City for the third time. I'm convinced this time I'll be able to make it to the end of the film, or at... (4/11/05)