Brandy is Dandy

by Jay Salinas

May 9, 2005

Brandy is dandy
and wine is fine
but liquor is quicker
and vodka divine.

Gin makes you sicker
and slows down your ticker
when you pull down your knickers
so more freely to bicker.

Thunderbird
is a wonder, stirred
and Night Train
makes my veins strain
to carry some of that good stuff to my heart.

Bacardi?
Sounds like a party, Marty
best not to be tardy
if you want any more than a sip.

But far finer than beer
is Everclear,
the king of all the liquors.
And when you wake
you'll contemplate
why your ass is packed with Snickers.

And why a train
in the Alps? Complain
and with distain
I shall mock thee.

For to wake like such
is really too much
more than the finest hopes worth hoping.

A sewer that's newer
or a brewer reviewer's
front lawn: now those are blackout locations.

In a cage of bamboo
in the hills of Peru,
that's practically a vacation.

In a birch bark canoe
impaled on a pool cue,
sure beats waking up on a space station.

As a victim of kung-fu
realizing you swallowed a kazoo,
still beats the men's room of a gas station.

All covered in glue
sick with the Vietnamese flu,
at least then you're free from temptation.

On the campus of Screw U
with a tattooed wazoo?
At least you're getting an education.

In the cartoon milieu
with Yogi and Booboo,
that, my friend, will earn you a standing ovation.

But on the lamb with Pooh
for murdering Kanga and Roo?
Yeah, you could probably do better than that.

Best to cut back on the Bacardi, sicko.

Quote of the Day

“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels

Fortune 500 Cookie

This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.

Try again later.

Top Oprah Book Club Rejections

1.	The Venomous Black Bitch by Phil Donahue
2.	Fried Pork Cracklin's in Butter by Flanny Fragg
3.	The Happy and Compliant Slave by Newt Whiteny
4.	How Stella Left Her Groove Under the Seat on the Plane Ride Back by Terry McMillan
5.	Fight Club by Jerry Springer

My Love is Like an Orange
My Love is Like an Orange, all shiny and orange and filled with a citrus burst to quench your lonely thirst. My love is not like porridge or storage or forage For my love is like an orange andâ€¦ Bugger, nothing rhymes with orange.... (4/11/05)

Blown by the Sun
The night air like a cheese, perfumed with sea water A blocky, leaky, laggy cheese coating us all We the three of us tramp through Panama City Selling fake insurance policies for a dollar to The tourists The cops roust us here and there, upon... (4/4/05)

Motherfucker Goose
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe she had so many children she didn't even have to work I had to support them all because she's a liar Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone I porked the old crow ... (3/7/05)